Fight

Staying Quiet

Yesterday, a friend of mine who had not been around for a while asked me why I was so quiet, saying that I used to be the life and soul, or something like that.  Another one of my friends responded by saying that I matured, but I wouldn’t say that’s it, although getting older and slightly wiser may have a minor part to play.

First off, it has a lot to do with me not being the same person I was all those years ago.  I’m more in tune with who I am now, so I don’t feel the need to be overly excited and bubbly to hide my insecurities or attract attention from those around me.  I prefer to sit quietly observing, speaking when I have something to say and receiving attention based on who I genuinely am, rather than the act I put on so you don’t see the real me.

Another reason for my quietness is the state of mind I’m in at the moment.  I’m already someone who doesn’t like speaking for the sake of it, but when I’m going through one of my darker periods, I’ll say fewer words until I feel really convicted to say something.  I don’t want to shut myself off from the world and not give time to the people I love, because that would go against my new mantra, which involves me trying to stay more connected to others and give more of my time, just like my late uncle and grandad.  Nevertheless, I don’t think I’ll be able to be fully happy and chatty when around them – not for now anyway.

To tell you the truth, my mind isn’t really here half of the time and the whole of me is fighting to stay alive.  There are times when I may be quiet, because I’m there in body but not in any way else.  I’ll smile and speak when needed so you wouldn’t know.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m not around that particular group of friends so much any more or I’ve felt shut out from certain sub-groups that have formed, so there are times when I will feel a little uncomfortable or out-of-place.  I also tend to feel like an outsider anyway, so that doesn’t help.

That is why I’m quiet and why I probably always will be quiet – unless I feel passionate about a subject or have something to say.  Talking isn’t something I’m going to be doing a whole lot of anymore.

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Fighting Off The Enemy

Gotta keep fighting;

Fighting against the thoughts in my head

That tell me,

“I’m not good enough,”

“I can’t do this,”

“I won’t make it,”

“No one will care.”

Achievements,

My abilities,

Mean nothing to these voices;

The good

Always obliterated by the bad,

The positives

Cancelled by the negatives.

Fear paves the way,

Opening the gate

For the inner demons to stride in,

Settle down

And make themselves at home;

Filling my mind

With poison

That’s torture to get rid of.

When things are moving forward,

Challenges beginning to arise,

That’s when the fear comes,

Looming over like dark cloudy skies;

Trying to stop me from moving forward,

Wanting to hold me back,

If the enemy sees I’m making progress,

That’s when they choose to attack.

Leaving me in the never-ending battle

Being fought within,

Now I need to make sure

The enemy doesn’t win.

 

No Idea Why

I hate when I feel like this.

Sad, low, easily irritated, a little depressed; but with no idea why.

My body is overcome with feelings and negative emotions torture my heart, yet I have no idea where it’s stemming from and that is frustrating.

I’m so done with these random dreary outbursts, which put me in the strangest moods and make me feel terrible about myself.

I start feeling ugly, like a failure, hating myself and hating life.

However, I have begun to see one common thread – these feelings now kick in when an event I’m hosting is coming up, as if my body is immediately fearing failure before it happens.

It seems that fear is now gaining control of me, despite how much I may try to fight it and that is disturbing in a sense.

Why does it feel that no matter how many steps I take forward, I’m always taking multiple steps back?

This is why I get so tired of fighting, because it seems like a futile action at times.

It’s as if I’ll be stuck in this droll for the rest of my days, struggling with it mostly alone, because I’m sure the people in my life must get tired of hearing about me being down and down on myself.

Nevertheless, there is one consolation – I know this dark cloud will eventually pass.