Fear

Fighting Off The Enemy

Gotta keep fighting;

Fighting against the thoughts in my head

That tell me,

“I’m not good enough,”

“I can’t do this,”

“I won’t make it,”

“No one will care.”

Achievements,

My abilities,

Mean nothing to these voices;

The good

Always obliterated by the bad,

The positives

Cancelled by the negatives.

Fear paves the way,

Opening the gate

For the inner demons to stride in,

Settle down

And make themselves at home;

Filling my mind

With poison

That’s torture to get rid of.

When things are moving forward,

Challenges beginning to arise,

That’s when the fear comes,

Looming over like dark cloudy skies;

Trying to stop me from moving forward,

Wanting to hold me back,

If the enemy sees I’m making progress,

That’s when they choose to attack.

Leaving me in the never-ending battle

Being fought within,

Now I need to make sure

The enemy doesn’t win.

 

No Idea Why

I hate when I feel like this.

Sad, low, easily irritated, a little depressed; but with no idea why.

My body is overcome with feelings and negative emotions torture my heart, yet I have no idea where it’s stemming from and that is frustrating.

I’m so done with these random dreary outbursts, which put me in the strangest moods and make me feel terrible about myself.

I start feeling ugly, like a failure, hating myself and hating life.

However, I have begun to see one common thread – these feelings now kick in when an event I’m hosting is coming up, as if my body is immediately fearing failure before it happens.

It seems that fear is now gaining control of me, despite how much I may try to fight it and that is disturbing in a sense.

Why does it feel that no matter how many steps I take forward, I’m always taking multiple steps back?

This is why I get so tired of fighting, because it seems like a futile action at times.

It’s as if I’ll be stuck in this droll for the rest of my days, struggling with it mostly alone, because I’m sure the people in my life must get tired of hearing about me being down and down on myself.

Nevertheless, there is one consolation – I know this dark cloud will eventually pass.

Its Time

Its time.

Its time for me to just do it.

Its time for me to get a grip; for me to wise up; for me to stop being scared.

Its time for me to get real serious about my spiritual life; to take my relationship with God to the next level; to put all my trust in Him.

Its time to let God take control, let Him heal my broken heart or any future hurt that I may face, let Him work great miracles in my life.

Its time for me to say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done and stop shying away from the difficult conversations.

Its time for me to be assertive, forthcoming and honest about how I’m thinking and feeling, when necessary.

Its time for me to truly respect myself, love myself, and stop being a doormat, because I deserve better.

Its time to stop staying in friendships that are detrimental to my emotional state, while the other person lives their life with little thought of me or how I’m feeling.

Its time for me to embrace and give into my feelings again, to love again, and accept I might feel pain along the way.

Its time to stop messing around in this world, when so much needs to be done and so many people need to be reached.

Its time to stop being selfish, thinking only about our own needs and desires, without considering how our actions may adversely affect others.

Its time to start thinking before we speak and stop using empty words, which mean nothing and amount to nothing.

Its time for me to be the person I once was before I was crippled by fear and rejection, but become the woman God has always wanted me to be.

Its time that I made real changes and do all I can to positively move forward, because with God for me, who can be against me.

It’s time that is too short to waste.