Not Caring to Live

“Let’s stay in our bed and die.”

“I want to lay down and die.”

Just two of the selection of things I casually say without thinking, not really wanting to die, but not caring to live either.  I guess I need to be careful about making these sorts of comments, because one day God will make my words a reality and I’ll have breathed my last breath.

I don’t like life though and I find myself constantly tiring of it, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I fight to stay positive.  It’s a frustrating battle, where I usually feel like the loser, watching so many others on the winning side.

I know it’s not good, because life is a gift and I’m here when so many others aren’t, but I can’t help wondering how much I’m really contributing.  I feel that I have a purpose, yet I’m not fully living up to it and that my attempts to make a difference are not making any real impact.  So often I want to give up, but I know it’s not the right thing to do, so I keep pressing on, and on, and on.

Some days are better than others, when I’m rearing to go and ready to conquer whatever tasks lay ahead of me.  However, there are so many down days and dark moments, when I want to cry, do nothing and sleep forever.  Sadness overwhelms me and I question, “What am I doing?”  Ostracising myself from others seems like the only option and no matter how much I attempt to talk myself around, the negative thoughts keep batting me down.

Wondering if I suffer from depression, but I have no idea.  I know that my PMS brings on depressed feelings and self-harm has been my uphill struggle.  I know that I wrestle with confidence and I have incredibly low self-esteem, but being clinically depressed – I don’t know.

All I know is that I struggle to believe in myself and what I do.  I find it hard not to compare myself to others and feel inferior as I watch them reaching new heights.  I feel lonely, let-down and lacking.  I’m tired, wondering if my goals are worth working towards.  I feel a sense of hopelessness, doubting my dreams will ever come true.

Most of all, I feel horrible, because I don’t want to feel this way at all and I want to have faith in all God has in store for me.  I want to genuinely believe that He’ll make my dreams come true, have hope in all that He has for me and trust that all I ask for will come from Him.

Yet I can’t shake off that feeling of wanting to “lay down and die”…

I’ll Miss You Grandad

GranddadI never had the chance to know the grandad on my dad’s side of the family, but the granddad I had the chance to know more than made up for that.  My grandad was, in my opinion, the best grandad in the world.

He was one of the few people in my life who never let me down.  He was always there for me, showing me love, support and care.  In fact, he was one of the few family members that I wrote a blog post all about — he was just that special.  More than anything though, my grandad has been the main source of inspiration in my life.

Unfortunately, I lost my grandad today, but he will never stop being my inspiration or being the best grandad in the world.  My grandad will always be in my heart and I hope to keep his legacy living on by emulating his amazing character.  I want to exude his kindness, faith, humour and warm, welcoming nature.  I want to be able to touch lives, like he touched mine and countless others.  I just wish that he could be here to see it.

My grandad had an amazing knowledge of the Bible, which really impressed me.  During my time spent studying with him, I developed a hunger and a will to learn more.  I wanted to understand the messages God had given to us, partly because of the example he had set me.

I’ll miss so many things about my grandad.  I’ll miss his “Burton jokes” and famous sayings, particularly “That’s the point”, which is my favourite.  I’ll miss hearing stories about his childhood and listening to him recite poems.  I’ll miss him asking, “What do you love?” and then having that dish prepared for us the next time we were at his house.  I’ll miss his bread and fried dumplings.  I’ll miss him leading out in song and saying long-winded speeches during family worship.  There is just so much more.

It won’t be the same without my grandad and I can’t imagine life without him, because he has been a constant presence since the day of my birth.  However, I feel blessed and happy to have known such a wonderful, loving man who made an impact on so many lives, and I’ve been fortunate enough to call him my grandad.  I wish that he could have seen me achieve more and truly make a difference in this world, but he will always be present in my work, because I know he played a major part in shaping who I am.

I love you with all my heart grandad, now and forever, but I know you’re finally at peace and the next face you’ll see is Jesus when He comes again.  You’ll finally be going to that home you’ve desperately hoped for and I hope to see you there.  May you rest in peace.

My God is Big

“My God is big / So strong so mighty”

These are the first lines from my song right now, BIG by the Planetshakers (although I prefer the version by the Full Gospel Baptist Church Fellowship International), which was introduced to me by Madison Mission Seventh-day Adventist Church.  This is an uplifting, joyful song with few lyrics, but a powerful message that speaks to me in so many ways right now.

Of course, it goes without saying that “My God is good / He’s so good to me”, as I serve an awesome God who is good to me all the time and I will never get tired of saying that, because I’m so unworthy of all of the blessings He bestows upon me.  However, my favourite part of the song are the lyrics, “My God’s plan for me / Goes beyond my wildest dreams”, because all He’s got in store for me is more than I can even imagine in my right now.

I just need to testify a little bit, because my God is doing the most amazing things in my life and He is setting His amazing plan for me into action, without me even showing Him the level of gratitude He deserves.  Yes, I’m more than thankful for everything my God does, but I do not always give Him enough credit or have the level of faith in Him that I should have.  Too often when things are going wrong, I get upset and worry, forgetting about what God has done time and time again.  Instead, I should be remembering that His timing is perfect and He will always come through for me.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been fretting about the launch of my short film to empower youth voice, thinking it won’t happen or it will have to be prolonged again or that people wouldn’t show interest in coming.  Things got down to the wire, but God made sure I that I got a great location so I could have my launch before the end of the year and He’s enabled a number of people to help me, particularly through promotion.  The level of support I’ve received as been amazing and really warmed my heart, and I believe the turn out for next week will better than I could even imagine.

I was worried for a while, even though I knew that I didn’t need to be, because God has got my back.  I know that through Him, this launch is going to be special and act as the start of something that will change the lives of young people, which I believe is His calling for me.

God has shown his goodness and his wonderful mercies in other ways this week, but I know that I need to spend a whole lot more time with Him in prayer before I make some of my other decisions going forward.  For now, all I have to do is live in faith and trust in my Heavenly Father, because “there’s nothing my God cannot do”.