Faith

A Much Needed Release

I really want to write something today.  In fact, I feel like I need to write something today.  I guess that there are a lot of pent-up feelings inside that need to be released and my beloved writing is my best outlet for that.

There are a number of things going on in my mind these days – more than I even want or would care to mention.  Sometimes they keep me from sleeping, sometimes they make me feel sad, and sometimes they simply remind me of a worse time.  That is one of the last things I want.

In all honesty, it is mostly my crowdfunding campaign that is occupying my thoughts and draining my energy little by little.  I desperately want it to succeed and reach as many individuals as possible, but man is it hard work.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I could never have imagined just how difficult this task would be.  I’m putting it in God’s hands though and I know that with Him I will succeed – I mean, with God for me who can be against me.

I’m finding myself thinking about my late grandad and aunty a lot recently as well and I’m not sure why.  All I know is that I keep thinking about when I lost them or their funerals or how much I miss them, and it hurts my heart.  Tears spring to my eyes and emotion builds up inside of me, knowing that I have to live the rest of my life without them.  I don’t think I’ll ever fully get past that.

Then there is a situation with a certain friend of mine, which has been causing me a lot of frustration and sometimes upset.  Certain things need to be raised with him, but I don’t know how to do it and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary unrest in his life.  I keep putting it off, even though I know the conversation needs to be had and the whole situation has been bothering me without his knowledge.  I hate rocking the boat, but I don’t like unresolved issues in my relationships with those I am close to, especially when it makes me start feeling like a fake.  I also can’t have situations negatively effecting my emotional wellbeing and not doing anything about it, because that’s not healthy.  I just need to somehow have this conversation.

And then there is a certain someone who has made a surprise reappearance in my life and wants to pick up where they left off, but cannot be relied upon or trusted.  I’ve been here before with them and they’ve completely left my life, without warning or explanation.  I know this could easily happen again, which is why I don’t want any attachment to form, but this person unfortunately always finds a way of getting into my head and I hate it.  I am planning to keep my distance though and let them talk to me when they want, because I refuse to repeat the mistakes of my past and feel hurt, rejection and confusion.  I’m done with all of that.

There are many more things on my mind, but like I said, I don’t want or care to mention them all.  I’ve expressed what I’ve wanted to express, which feels like a burden lifted, although my head is still throbbing a little.  I think I just need a holiday.

Not Caring to Live

“Let’s stay in our bed and die.”

“I want to lay down and die.”

Just two of the selection of things I casually say without thinking, not really wanting to die, but not caring to live either.  I guess I need to be careful about making these sorts of comments, because one day God will make my words a reality and I’ll have breathed my last breath.

I don’t like life though and I find myself constantly tiring of it, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I fight to stay positive.  It’s a frustrating battle, where I usually feel like the loser, watching so many others on the winning side.

I know it’s not good, because life is a gift and I’m here when so many others aren’t, but I can’t help wondering how much I’m really contributing.  I feel that I have a purpose, yet I’m not fully living up to it and that my attempts to make a difference are not making any real impact.  So often I want to give up, but I know it’s not the right thing to do, so I keep pressing on, and on, and on.

Some days are better than others, when I’m rearing to go and ready to conquer whatever tasks lay ahead of me.  However, there are so many down days and dark moments, when I want to cry, do nothing and sleep forever.  Sadness overwhelms me and I question, “What am I doing?”  Ostracising myself from others seems like the only option and no matter how much I attempt to talk myself around, the negative thoughts keep batting me down.

Wondering if I suffer from depression, but I have no idea.  I know that my PMS brings on depressed feelings and self-harm has been my uphill struggle.  I know that I wrestle with confidence and I have incredibly low self-esteem, but being clinically depressed – I don’t know.

All I know is that I struggle to believe in myself and what I do.  I find it hard not to compare myself to others and feel inferior as I watch them reaching new heights.  I feel lonely, let-down and lacking.  I’m tired, wondering if my goals are worth working towards.  I feel a sense of hopelessness, doubting my dreams will ever come true.

Most of all, I feel horrible, because I don’t want to feel this way at all and I want to have faith in all God has in store for me.  I want to genuinely believe that He’ll make my dreams come true, have hope in all that He has for me and trust that all I ask for will come from Him.

Yet I can’t shake off that feeling of wanting to “lay down and die”…

I’ll Miss You Grandad

GranddadI never had the chance to know the grandad on my dad’s side of the family, but the granddad I had the chance to know more than made up for that.  My grandad was, in my opinion, the best grandad in the world.

He was one of the few people in my life who never let me down.  He was always there for me, showing me love, support and care.  In fact, he was one of the few family members that I wrote a blog post all about — he was just that special.  More than anything though, my grandad has been the main source of inspiration in my life.

Unfortunately, I lost my grandad today, but he will never stop being my inspiration or being the best grandad in the world.  My grandad will always be in my heart and I hope to keep his legacy living on by emulating his amazing character.  I want to exude his kindness, faith, humour and warm, welcoming nature.  I want to be able to touch lives, like he touched mine and countless others.  I just wish that he could be here to see it.

My grandad had an amazing knowledge of the Bible, which really impressed me.  During my time spent studying with him, I developed a hunger and a will to learn more.  I wanted to understand the messages God had given to us, partly because of the example he had set me.

I’ll miss so many things about my grandad.  I’ll miss his “Burton jokes” and famous sayings, particularly “That’s the point”, which is my favourite.  I’ll miss hearing stories about his childhood and listening to him recite poems.  I’ll miss him asking, “What do you love?” and then having that dish prepared for us the next time we were at his house.  I’ll miss his bread and fried dumplings.  I’ll miss him leading out in song and saying long-winded speeches during family worship.  There is just so much more.

It won’t be the same without my grandad and I can’t imagine life without him, because he has been a constant presence since the day of my birth.  However, I feel blessed and happy to have known such a wonderful, loving man who made an impact on so many lives, and I’ve been fortunate enough to call him my grandad.  I wish that he could have seen me achieve more and truly make a difference in this world, but he will always be present in my work, because I know he played a major part in shaping who I am.

I love you with all my heart grandad, now and forever, but I know you’re finally at peace and the next face you’ll see is Jesus when He comes again.  You’ll finally be going to that home you’ve desperately hoped for and I hope to see you there.  May you rest in peace.