Essential

Clogged Mind

It’s crazy right now, because there is so much that I could write about and should be writing about, but I have no idea what I actually want to write about.  It’s like any idea I have has been forced right down to the bottom of my mind.

What’s worse is that I am getting regular headaches, which is making it difficult for me to think.  I keep on feeling ill these days, which is not a positive sign, but I don’t think that there is anything serious wrong with me.  I just need to keep pushing through.

Pushing through is essential for me right now, as there is so much that I am trying to get done and I can’t allow myself to get demotivated again.  I have to be more militant with myself than I’ve been for a very long time so that my plans do not falter, but I need to ensure that I do not get overwhelmed.

Although there is a lot for me to do and I have every intention of doing it, I think I need some sort of short break to clear my head, because it feels like it is clogged up with countless things right now.  I just wish that someone would come along and whisk me away to Italy.

My Own Worst Enemy

It is incredibly frustrating being my own worst enemy, but what is worse is that I cannot seem to stop warring with myself.  No matter how hard I try, I find myself fighting internally, which just drags me down.

I have spent a lot of time blaming other people and other factors, when it really all comes down to me.  Yes, people have hurt me and I have struggled with certain situations, but I have allowed myself to be badly effected by the actions of others and I have put myself in some stupid situations.  I have made bad decisions, I have told myself that I mean nothing and I have convinced myself that I am always the problem.

Most of my negative feelings have been fabricated in my mind, as no one has actually said those things directly to me.  I expect constant high standards of myself and when I don’t reach those standards or get what I want, I put myself down and find ways to feel worthless.  I want everyone to like me, accept me and respond well to me, but I start closing myself off when that doesn’t happen.

Over the years, I have built up walls and closed myself off, which has made me a quieter and smaller version of myself.  My self-esteem has dropped and my confidence has diminished drastically, preventing me from being truly happy and reaching the potential that so many individuals can see in me.  It’s as if all those around me can see the good, except me.

I have known for a long time that I am my own worst enemy, but realising that it is the cause of so many of my problems is a great move in the right direction, because I can do something about it.  However, what is difficult is trying to overcome it, as I don’t really have an idea of how to do that.  I know that it all starts with having faith in God and sitting at His feet, but where do I go from there?

Overcoming my battle with self is essential, because it is seriously holding me back.  It is preventing me from getting up and doing things that I have every intention of doing.  It is stopping me from going out, being brave and speaking to the young people that I need to speak to.  It is putting a halt to me making a real difference, and I really don’t want that.

Again, this is about me being a work in progress and I am glad that God is working in my life, but this is an issue that needs to be fixed as soon as possible.  I hate being my own worst enemy and it is extremely tiring now, because I want to be so much more than the person I am and finally be the person that God wants me to be.