Enemy

Fighting Off The Enemy

Gotta keep fighting;

Fighting against the thoughts in my head

That tell me,

“I’m not good enough,”

“I can’t do this,”

“I won’t make it,”

“No one will care.”

Achievements,

My abilities,

Mean nothing to these voices;

The good

Always obliterated by the bad,

The positives

Cancelled by the negatives.

Fear paves the way,

Opening the gate

For the inner demons to stride in,

Settle down

And make themselves at home;

Filling my mind

With poison

That’s torture to get rid of.

When things are moving forward,

Challenges beginning to arise,

That’s when the fear comes,

Looming over like dark cloudy skies;

Trying to stop me from moving forward,

Wanting to hold me back,

If the enemy sees I’m making progress,

That’s when they choose to attack.

Leaving me in the never-ending battle

Being fought within,

Now I need to make sure

The enemy doesn’t win.

 

We were so alike

It’s funny when you’re a young child and have a one-dimensional view on life. You are still growing up, learning and developing relationships.  You might have a series of arguments with someone or see them as your enemy, and then think that you’ll dislike that person forever.  However, a lot can change as you grow up.

This was the case for me and one of my friends.  We did not get on at all for a long time, instead choosing to fight over another one of our friends, who just happened to be my best friend at the time.  Due to our arguments and mutual dislike of each other, I never thought that we would be friends, but we were eventually able to resolve our differences and strike up  a close friendship. In a funny way, it was the friend we were fighting over who actually led to us becoming friends.

We were alike in so many ways and our taste in boys was uncanny.  It was very likely that we would like the same boy at the same time, but we didn’t spend time fighting over them, although she believes that we did have a disagreement over one guy.  We’d spend a lot of time talking and joking and she actually became one of my best friends over time.

Although we did not remain best friends, she continues to be one of the people that I truly value in my life.  I won’t see her for a long time, but once we’re together, things are just the same as they always were.  I alway know what kind of friendship I’m getting with her and she is one of the people who always manages to make me feel included and comfortable.  She is also one of the funniest, weirdest and wackiest individuals I know, which is probably one of the main reasons why she is my friend.

Some of my best memories have been spent with her and a group of our other closest friends, as we always have a lot of fun when we get together.  I will never forget her mad and funny antics on my 16th, 18th and 20th birthdays, her borrowing my clothes and returning them weekes later and the many boy talks we had together, especially about the lovely Italian boy we both liked (she should know exactly who I’m talking about).

I not only miss time spent with her, but also the time that we spent with all our friends, creating all those great memories.  I love my crazy friend so much and now that I write this, I can see just how much she matters to me.  I have a feeling that we’ll be having boy talks for a very long time.

My Own Worst Enemy

It is incredibly frustrating being my own worst enemy, but what is worse is that I cannot seem to stop warring with myself.  No matter how hard I try, I find myself fighting internally, which just drags me down.

I have spent a lot of time blaming other people and other factors, when it really all comes down to me.  Yes, people have hurt me and I have struggled with certain situations, but I have allowed myself to be badly effected by the actions of others and I have put myself in some stupid situations.  I have made bad decisions, I have told myself that I mean nothing and I have convinced myself that I am always the problem.

Most of my negative feelings have been fabricated in my mind, as no one has actually said those things directly to me.  I expect constant high standards of myself and when I don’t reach those standards or get what I want, I put myself down and find ways to feel worthless.  I want everyone to like me, accept me and respond well to me, but I start closing myself off when that doesn’t happen.

Over the years, I have built up walls and closed myself off, which has made me a quieter and smaller version of myself.  My self-esteem has dropped and my confidence has diminished drastically, preventing me from being truly happy and reaching the potential that so many individuals can see in me.  It’s as if all those around me can see the good, except me.

I have known for a long time that I am my own worst enemy, but realising that it is the cause of so many of my problems is a great move in the right direction, because I can do something about it.  However, what is difficult is trying to overcome it, as I don’t really have an idea of how to do that.  I know that it all starts with having faith in God and sitting at His feet, but where do I go from there?

Overcoming my battle with self is essential, because it is seriously holding me back.  It is preventing me from getting up and doing things that I have every intention of doing.  It is stopping me from going out, being brave and speaking to the young people that I need to speak to.  It is putting a halt to me making a real difference, and I really don’t want that.

Again, this is about me being a work in progress and I am glad that God is working in my life, but this is an issue that needs to be fixed as soon as possible.  I hate being my own worst enemy and it is extremely tiring now, because I want to be so much more than the person I am and finally be the person that God wants me to be.