No Idea Why

I hate when I feel like this.

Sad, low, easily irritated, a little depressed; but with no idea why.

My body is overcome with feelings and negative emotions torture my heart, yet I have no idea where it’s stemming from and that is frustrating.

I’m so done with these random dreary outbursts, which put me in the strangest moods and make me feel terrible about myself.

I start feeling ugly, like a failure, hating myself and hating life.

However, I have begun to see one common thread – these feelings now kick in when an event I’m hosting is coming up, as if my body is immediately fearing failure before it happens.

It seems that fear is now gaining control of me, despite how much I may try to fight it and that is disturbing in a sense.

Why does it feel that no matter how many steps I take forward, I’m always taking multiple steps back?

This is why I get so tired of fighting, because it seems like a futile action at times.

It’s as if I’ll be stuck in this droll for the rest of my days, struggling with it mostly alone, because I’m sure the people in my life must get tired of hearing about me being down and down on myself.

Nevertheless, there is one consolation – I know this dark cloud will eventually pass.

Up and Down

The past week has been a real mixture of feeling up and down.  I’ve been happy, I’ve been excited, I’ve been thriving, but then I’ve been depressed, upset and annoyed.

I’ve found myself questioning the people around me, wondering whether I truly belong in the different family units I’m a part of and worrying about my job.  I feel uncomfortable in the places where I once felt comfortable and prefer to be alone (or with my sister), not usually speaking to anyone.

Seeing my granddad ill cuts me deep, as I just want him to be okay again and hear him speaking to me.  I want to hear one of his silly jokes or listen to one of his stories about his childhood.

However, I’m happy about some funding I’ve secured and about my interview with East London Lines.  I’m thankful for having a home and money in my account when so many others don’t.  I’m glad that I have a job, which I not only enjoy, but is also close to my house.  I’m happy that I have a sister who I love very much, and who is also my best friend.

But more than anything, I’m thankful for the God I serve who continues to support me and reassure me, even when I find myself constantly worried.  I know He will never let me down and He keeps me from going under into that dark place, which is hard to get out of once I’m in it.  Knowing that I have Him and His promises keeps me up when there is so much that gets me down.

More Than a Conqueror

There’s nothing worse than feeling sad and down, but having no idea where those feelings stem from.  These feelings strike me every now and then, just like they struck me this afternoon.  It does not help that we are now in autumn, which is the season when I find myself at my lowest.

However, I don’t want to keep letting autumn get me down and I refuse to keep getting myself down. I’m tired of always beating myself up and putting myself down and living in fear, because all it does is hold me back and I am more than a conqueror.

This evening, God reminded me that I am more than a conqueror, which I have proved time and time again over the years.  With his strength and arms wrapped around me, I have been able to overcome the struggles and trials that have brought me to my lowest and caused me great misery.  He also revealed an inner strength in me that I need to tap into more often.

I lack confidence, but God is rebuilding my confidence and moulding me into the person that He has always wanted me to be.  I am also learning who I am in God, which is a little difficult, but I know that I will become that person eventually.  I am also laying my burdens down at God’s feet as I develop my faith in Him, so that I can display the strong, deep-rooted, crazy faith like David in the Bible.  David really is a true inspiration.

However, what I always need to remember is that with God for me, who can be against me.