Distance

Suffering in Silence

They say you should talk to someone,

That talking makes it better;

But what happens

When you feel you can’t,

That you can’t approach anyone,

You can’t allow yourself to open up,

Let them know how you feel;

When you feel disconnected

From everyone,

Disconnected from the world;

You can’t let anyone in,

Don’t want to let anyone close,

Refuse to let them know

How you’re truly feeling.

Unable to form the words,

Let guards fall down,

Express

How much of a mangled mess

Your heart is in;

So you take it upon yourself

To struggle in silence,

Put on a brave face

Only talk to God in prayer;

Letting tears fall

Behind the safety of closed doors,

Because you refuse

To let them see you vulnerable.

Those once held close

Now in the distance,

Those who could be close

Always held at a distance;

And those who are close,

You keep a distance

Between you,

Afraid of letting them in,

Wanting to keep your burdens

Far from them.

So what happens

When you can’t talk to someone,

When it simply isn’t an option?

Because you can’t force yourself

To talk

When you feel you can’t open up

To other human beings.

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A Much Needed Release

I really want to write something today.  In fact, I feel like I need to write something today.  I guess that there are a lot of pent-up feelings inside that need to be released and my beloved writing is my best outlet for that.

There are a number of things going on in my mind these days – more than I even want or would care to mention.  Sometimes they keep me from sleeping, sometimes they make me feel sad, and sometimes they simply remind me of a worse time.  That is one of the last things I want.

In all honesty, it is mostly my crowdfunding campaign that is occupying my thoughts and draining my energy little by little.  I desperately want it to succeed and reach as many individuals as possible, but man is it hard work.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I could never have imagined just how difficult this task would be.  I’m putting it in God’s hands though and I know that with Him I will succeed – I mean, with God for me who can be against me.

I’m finding myself thinking about my late grandad and aunty a lot recently as well and I’m not sure why.  All I know is that I keep thinking about when I lost them or their funerals or how much I miss them, and it hurts my heart.  Tears spring to my eyes and emotion builds up inside of me, knowing that I have to live the rest of my life without them.  I don’t think I’ll ever fully get past that.

Then there is a situation with a certain friend of mine, which has been causing me a lot of frustration and sometimes upset.  Certain things need to be raised with him, but I don’t know how to do it and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary unrest in his life.  I keep putting it off, even though I know the conversation needs to be had and the whole situation has been bothering me without his knowledge.  I hate rocking the boat, but I don’t like unresolved issues in my relationships with those I am close to, especially when it makes me start feeling like a fake.  I also can’t have situations negatively effecting my emotional wellbeing and not doing anything about it, because that’s not healthy.  I just need to somehow have this conversation.

And then there is a certain someone who has made a surprise reappearance in my life and wants to pick up where they left off, but cannot be relied upon or trusted.  I’ve been here before with them and they’ve completely left my life, without warning or explanation.  I know this could easily happen again, which is why I don’t want any attachment to form, but this person unfortunately always finds a way of getting into my head and I hate it.  I am planning to keep my distance though and let them talk to me when they want, because I refuse to repeat the mistakes of my past and feel hurt, rejection and confusion.  I’m done with all of that.

There are many more things on my mind, but like I said, I don’t want or care to mention them all.  I’ve expressed what I’ve wanted to express, which feels like a burden lifted, although my head is still throbbing a little.  I think I just need a holiday.

Out of Danger into the Arms of Safety

The devil has played me good and proper, you know.  As I talked to one of my closest friends recently, it dawned on me just how much the devil has messed me up and poisoned my mind.

I spent so long attacking myself and putting myself down, that I believed that I was at the central point of anything going wrong in my life.  When my friend was drifting away – because he was working on himself and he needed that time to himself – I made myself believe that it was because of something I had done wrong.

Although I was always kind, caring and supportive, I believed that I had inadvertently done something.  Even though we had no arguments or any issues, I thought that I had somehow offended him.  Somehow, my actions or what I’d said had caused my friend to distance from me and that made me think that nothing he’d said was true.

However, when we actually spoke in person, he asked me what I could possibly have done.  He said that I could not say anything that bad that would make him not want to speak to me, and he assured me that his distance was because he needed to sort himself out, rather than run away from me.

I sat there, wanting to slap myself for being so ridiculous and laugh at how much I had let the devil get into my head.  I am so glad that God has finally helped me realise that I am not always the problem, even though I would have myself believe that I am.  Not everything is my fault and I am not the stupid, annoying, pathetic person I spent so long thinking I was.

The devil has had a stronghold in me, but with God guiding me, I am finally fighting through and cutting it down.  My mind and the voice in my head has proved so dangerous over the years, but I am now getting out of that danger and into the safety of my God’s loving arms.