Disbelief

Disbelief in Fairy Tales & Love

I’ve always been a sucker for fairy tales – the Disney fairy tales, not the twisted ones in the books.  I loved the happy endings and watching two people fall in love.  I desperately wanted that – the happy ending and to fall in love with the one.

I dreamed, and dreamed, and dreamed of getting married.  Getting my perfect ring, wearing a beautiful white dress, walking down the aisle with my bouquet, my bridesmaids in their pink or red dresses, seeing my husband’s smiling face, the reception, the whole works.  I then dreamed of the happy life with my husband, where we had our own beautiful family.  Yet dreams come crashing down and fairy tales are just that – they’re tales, nothing real.

I don’t believe in happy endings or love anymore – at least not for me.  I don’t believe that I will ever find the one or get married.  It’s looking like I’m destined for the eternal single life, allowing me to focus solely on my work and changing the world, until I decide I’m ready to foster children.  That’s right, I’ve given up on having children of my own too, because why should I want to bring a child into a world I despise and don’t want to be living in myself.

I’ve tried to hold on to hope and believe that love will happen for me – and I mean proper reciprocated love – but I genuinely do not believe it exists.  I’ve given up all hope, but that’s alright, because God is with me and He is the love of my life.  You have to understand that I’ve tried, but my last involvement with someone was the last straw.

I was stupid.  Yet again, making dumb mistakes I know I shouldn’t have made.  Retracted on myself and did what I said I wouldn’t do.  I let myself get attached, allowed myself to actually like him, when I said I would do neither of these things.  I didn’t want to do either of these things; I didn’t intend to do either of these things; but I did and I know I’m paying the price for that.

Although he said he was different (one of the first of his many empty words), he turned out to be just like the rest.  Wanting to rush into things, not wanting to properly date, spewing empty words and promises like word vomit, working his magic and getting me to like him before doing a disappearing act.  He acted like a boy, even though he thinks he’s a man, and I continued to make excuses for him.  I mean, how stupid was I?  But no more.

I want to be there for him, not give up on him, give him unconditional support.  Because whether I like it or not, he’s in my heart and I don’t think that is going to change anytime soon.  However, I’m not sure if I can do it without having feelings get in the way.  I guess I’m just going to have to pray for him from afar, because his presence in my life is becoming toxic and I don’t need that.  I’m already suffocating and struggling to hold on to any breath I have left.

But I guess that’s life.  People come and people go.  People hurt you and break your hurt.  People act as lessons, and it’s painful, but it will get better eventually.  At least that’s what I have to believe and tell myself to stay sane.  What I do know, is that I should have stuck to my guns, closed off my heart and not allowed myself to get feelings, which is now going to be the case going forward.  I don’t intend to have feelings for anyone ever again – I hate feelings anyway.

I’m not a naive little girl anymore.  I can see that certain people are only in your life for a season, that marriage is not a definite and Disney fairy tales are simply entertainment, filling your head with false ideals that are unlikely to ever come true.  And to you Mr Charming, thanks for bringing me back to reality.

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Fighting Failure

Failure.

Failure.

Failure.

Failure,

Rings out in my mind,

Poisoning me

From the inside out;

Infecting the positivity,

Any belief in me,

In my abilities.

Never an ‘A’

But an ‘F’

Plus, lack of support,

Loss of motivation,

Confusion of my mission.

Failure;

Leading onto uselessness,

Like what I’m doing is pointless,

Meaning nothing,

Making no impact,

Slowly chugging on,

But moving nowhere,

Despite my best efforts;

I wonder why I try and try,

Feeling like I’m dying inside.

Stresses and hurt killing me,

Melancholy weighs down on me,

Don’t know why I’m sad,

My head’s empty,

But heart’s heavy,

Longing for it all stop

Effective immediately;

Wishing I had no purpose,

No calling,

Would make it simpler

When working,

Feeling I need to head in one direction,

Is causing me affliction.

“Make it stop,” I beg,

But life still carries on,

My emotions persist,

Dragging me along,

Knocking my head

At every turn,

Making death feel closer,

For which I sometimes yearn,

But then remembering,

I’ve got more to give yet,

Still things to do,

My story needs an end.

Missing You Aunty on Your Birthday

DSC_0043I can’t believe you’re not here today on what would have been your birthday.  Two months have passed since you were suddenly taken from us and I still can’t really believe it.  My funny, caring, lovely aunty should still be around, bringing us joy every time we’d come together.

Like I said about my grandad, God obviously knew that it was your time to go and He has his reasons, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  Although death is inevitable for all of us, I never, ever expected that your life would be snatched away – definitely not at this time anyway.

I wanted to celebrate more family birthdays, family gatherings and of course, your birthdays, at your house.  I wanted to hear more of your stories, told in your unique way, in that husky voice I love so much.  I wanted to be able to see you rush around the kitchen, tell me what was in each dish and then sit down to eat your dinner once we all got our fill.  I wanted to be able to smile and laugh at all of the reading glasses you had scattered around, but now all I have is the memories.

Reminders of your birthday have popped up, and it makes me sad to think that I can’t send you a birthday message and look forward to your quirky reply back.  You used to say that the best people are born in August and you were definitely one of those.  It also makes me sad as I get closer to my birthday, because I know that I won’t have a message from you now.

I can’t believe that I have to get used to August without you too and it breaks my heart, but I feel so lucky to be able to say that I shared this month with Aunty Joce.  I miss having you around and I hope you know how much I loved you and appreciated the time we spent together.  You were the best and you’ve got also got a piece of my heart.  I love you always and forever.