Death

Missing You Aunty on Your Birthday

DSC_0043I can’t believe you’re not here today on what would have been your birthday.  Two months have passed since you were suddenly taken from us and I still can’t really believe it.  My funny, caring, lovely aunty should still be around, bringing us joy every time we’d come together.

Like I said about my grandad, God obviously knew that it was your time to go and He has his reasons, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  Although death is inevitable for all of us, I never, ever expected that your life would be snatched away – definitely not at this time anyway.

I wanted to celebrate more family birthdays, family gatherings and of course, your birthdays, at your house.  I wanted to hear more of your stories, told in your unique way, in that husky voice I love so much.  I wanted to be able to see you rush around the kitchen, tell me what was in each dish and then sit down to eat your dinner once we all got our fill.  I wanted to be able to smile and laugh at all of the reading glasses you had scattered around, but now all I have is the memories.

Reminders of your birthday have popped up, and it makes me sad to think that I can’t send you a birthday message and look forward to your quirky reply back.  You used to say that the best people are born in August and you were definitely one of those.  It also makes me sad as I get closer to my birthday, because I know that I won’t have a message from you now.

I can’t believe that I have to get used to August without you too and it breaks my heart, but I feel so lucky to be able to say that I shared this month with Aunty Joce.  I miss having you around and I hope you know how much I loved you and appreciated the time we spent together.  You were the best and you’ve got also got a piece of my heart.  I love you always and forever.

Weeping, Grieving, Bottling

It’s not surprising that the last week has been tough.  The death of my aunty has cut me and left me in a state of disbelief, while also dragging up the grief I’ve been feeling for my grandad.  I especially miss my grandad now, because I know he’d be a loving source of support during my time of sadness and he would have had something lovely to say that would bring me comfort.  Not having that makes this shock a little bit harder.

I’ve done my best to keep going with everything and carry out the duties in my daily lives efficiently, but the pain inside has been difficult to bear at times.  Again, my heart is breaking and I am powerless to stop it, but I know that it will heal with time – I’ve just got to let the grieving process take its course.

Again, the grieving process has lessened my will and at times ability to write.  There have been times when I’ve been struggling and had a whole lot to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to write any of the words or feelings down.  However, there have also been situations when the time has gotten away from me and I haven’t actually been able to write all that I wanted so say, leading to some of my innermost feelings staying bottled up.

In fact, they’ve been bottled up to the point where I want to explode and simply scream out in frustration.  You might say that I should take the time to talk to someone, but that is easier said than done for me.  Although I have some lovely people in my life who would take the time to listen, I cannot bring myself to express all my feelings to them, because it simply doesn’t feel right.  If I want to express myself to someone, it needs to come naturally and I need to have that special connection with them that doesn’t need to be forced – it’s just there.

I’ve found myself feeling incredibly lonely this past week, not being able to talk to any of the people in my life and not knowing who to turn to.  I miss my counsellor more than ever and I wish that I was able to speak to her during this difficult time in my life – I could really use that space where I felt comfortable enough to let my walls down and let my vulnerability show.  Speaking to someone else simply wouldn’t have that same impact.

The feeling of grief and loneliness have also worsened my many insecurities, which don’t seem to go away.  My low self-esteem and dislike of my physical appearance has reared its ugly head, as I look in the mirror or down at my body and despise what I see.  In my opinion, there is so much about my physical appearance that is wrong, making it no surprise that guys don’t want to be with me, because I’ll always be the ugly one standing next to my sister and my friends.

Nevertheless, God has been with me through it all and I don’t where I would be without him, because there is no way I could handle all of this on my own.  I’ve been able to cry out a little to Him, He’s been there as the fountain of tears fall, He’s provided comfort through His word and praising Him with music has been a way of putting a smile on my face, sometimes through the tears.

I may be in the storm now, but even though weeping endures for a night, joy comes in the morning.

Shock

I sat with my mouth wide open in shock when I read about the death of L’Wren Scott two days ago.  She was a beautiful and talented woman whose life was gone too soon – she wasn’t even fifty yet.  L’Wren had so much more to give to the world, so I was horrified when I discovered that she had taken her own life.

This death really struck a chord with me, because L’Wren Scott was a fashion designer and fashion has a special place in my heart.  I originally wanted to be a fashion designer and although my career ambitions have changed, fashion is still incredibly important to me and I have never stopped loving it.  Any tragic thing that happens to a fashion designer will always tug at my heart-strings.

In the public eye, L’Wren was still at the high point of her career, very beautiful and in a relationship with one of the biggest rock stars in the world.  However, we don’t know what was going on behind closed doors and what problems she may have been facing.  News has come out that she was in millions of dollars of debt, which is enough to drive anyone into depression, but we don’t know if that is the main reason behind her death.

It is saddens me to think that L’Wren’s life had become such a burden on her, that she thought the only way out was to kill herself.  No one should have to go through that or get to that stage, but it just goes to show that all the fame and fortune in the world cannot buy you happiness, meaning or a sense of inner peace.

The fashion world are mourning the loss of a true talent, who made the transition from fashion model to a successful fashion designer.  Mick Jagger is mourning the loss of a partner he had spent over ten years with.  And her loved ones are mourning the loss of a friend and beloved family member.

L’Wren Scott was a statuesque beauty whose life ended prematurely, but at least she is finally at peace.  I hope that her legacy lives on and that when people say her name, this will not be the first thought of her that enters their mind.  RIP L’Wren Scott.