Giving Up, Not Waiting for Love

I haven’t written on here for a long while – which is really sad, cos this is one of my babies – partly because I have been busy or have not known what to write about.  However, I’ve now got so much I want to say, but I have no idea of where to start from, which is often the case.  My head is regularly a crazy jumble, whirling round with masses of thoughts and inner-venting.  The inner-venting seems like a good starting point, so I’m going to begin with venting on one of my favourite venting topics: guys.

Yes, that ancient frustration with guys continues to nag at me.  Is it any wonder why I’ve given up on love?  I’m genuinely serious, I’ve given up on love.  If it happens, it happens, but I am not holding my breath, especially as I am willfully trying to avoid love finding me.  I’m not really about dating anyone and I hate the concept of letting anyone remotely close to me, so I prefer to keep others at arm’s length.

Despite not wanting to date or get involved with anyone, guys insist on trying to work their way in.  This should be flattering, but it actually isn’t, considering most of them are time-wasters that end up putting me off guys even more.  In my opinion, if you purposefully go out of your way to make contact, you should be serious and actually want to get to know me as a person.  However, this is not their logic and it confounds me; like, I didn’t request your presence in my life.

I’m happy going along my merry way on my own, yet these guys feel that I must have them come along with me, as if they are somehow an answer to a prayer I never prayed.  In turn, this makes them feel somehow entitled, therefore enabling them to call the shots on how all things should run going forward.  They choose to speak or see you when it is convenient for them, they make it so that you have to come to them (even though they approached you), or the classic, they ask you to come to their house, because thinking of somewhere to go out is just too much.

I am beyond sick and tired of guys making interactions all about them – this actually extends beyond romantic interests and applies to all guys in general.  The conversation begins and ends when they feel.  Their time is more important than yours.  It’s alright for them to treat you any way they feel, even if it is unfair, hurtful or inconsiderate.  The majority of guys I know or know of are so self-absorbed, it is unbelievable.

But I digress.  Basically, I am over having guys in my life romantically.  Not only do I enjoy being single – able to focus on my work and do as I please – but I am fatigued by the disappointment, heartbreak and confusion that guys bring.  It seems to be a consistent and I am so done with it.  For some reason, my love life can never be normal or smooth-sailing.

The guys I tend to like do not like me back, or don’t take me seriously, or are only interested in sleeping with me – this is why compliments about my outer appearance mean so little now and compliments about my persona / inner being hold much more weight.

Then with the guys who do like me, I usually don’t like them back and I don’t want to force myself, because that is not fair on either of us.  And when I do start liking a guy who likes me, somehow their interest begins to lessen, until they stop liking me all together.  It is beyond ridiculous.

As I mentioned earlier, I hate letting anyone close or being vulnerable enough to let them in – it terrifies me.  Letting myself have feelings for anyone terrifies me too, because there is always that chance they will cause me pain.  Too many of the guys I have let in or caught feelings for have left, messed me around or caused deep hurt, which have at times taken me a long time to get over.  I refuse to find myself in those positions again.

I recently met someone who I connected with, almost immediately, which doesn’t happen often, automatically making the individual stand out in my eyes.  He proper made me laugh and I felt comfortable with him – he was genuinely someone that I would want to chill with on a regular basis.  Neither of us want to be in a relationship right now, but I did want to get to know him better on a friendship level (that is the best foundation after all).  However, it turns out he is just a typical guy and out to waste my time.  I really am sick of that.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I would like that go-to person I can pick up the phone and chat to, share the good things and the bad, chill with, and share a sense of intimacy, but we can’t have it all.  For some reason, I don’t do well with love and I don’t see it coming my way.  I’ll just spread love in the world instead.


Stop Acting like a Boy, Start Living like a Man

Too many guys these days,

Want to be men,

But act like boys.

Trying to play the “big man”,

But can’t step up like a grown man.

Coming with all kinds of disrespect,

Addressing me with “Yo”,

“You alright babes”,

When you know for sure,

Your babes I am not.

If you come to me

In the right way though,

If you really want

To make me your girl,

Then ask me on a proper date,

Take me out,

Treat me like a lady,

To an extent, court me.

I don’t wanna be hearing,

“Come chill with me”,

“When you gonna come see me”?

Because are we friends for us to chill?

And was it I who approached you,

So why must I leave my house

To come to yours,

Under this false pretense,

When we both know

That “chill” really means get intimate,

When that movie we’re supposed to be watching

Suddenly starts watching us.

I’m not trying to be anyone’s temporary plaything,

Messing around,

Having so-called fun,

In a game that’s not going anywhere.

I’m looking for a husband

And looking to be a wife;

I don’t have time to play games.

If you want to date me,

Date me properly,

Come with maturity,

Treat me like the adult that I am.

Think creatively,

Make me feel special,

Show you’re genuinely into me,

Not just my face and my body.

Develop a real friendship with me,

Date me like the adult I am,

Understand it’s time stop acting like a boy,

And time to start living like a man.





Just a Joke

Yesterday I told you that the situation regarding males in my life is a complete joke, and it just continues to get funnier.  In fact, it’s not really funny anymore; it’s starting to become a bit ridiculous.

I’ve told you that I am not interested in the guys who like me, yet I seem to find myself drawn to guys who don’t like me or who aren’t genuinely interested.  And then it gets worse, because when I actually start showing interest in a guy who likes me, he backs off suddenly.  It’s as if someone is playing a sick joke, which I am not finding amusing.  However, that is another joke in itself.  This is all about the recent situation with the males I have found myself mixed up with – I can’t even say that I’m involved with them, because things are not that deep or that serious.

In the past month I found myself reluctantly giving two guys my number – despite not being attracted to them at all – just so that I could shut them up; however, I didn’t make them any promises that anything would happen.  Yet after showing some bluntness and not indulging in conversation, one got the message and left me alone, while one is still in pursuit.

Now what is most annoying about the guy who is still in pursuit is that I was hoping he was someone else when he last messaged me, which increases my disinterest in him.  There are two other guys that I have spoken to recently, who I am actually attracted to and would consider giving a chance after time spent getting to know them better.  I was actually willing to give both of them my number, but neither of them have called, which only bothers me because I have an actual attraction to them.

Nevertheless, I’ve found myself in a tangled web with these two guys, even though nothing has happened yet.  I’m not going to go into the whole thing, but let’s just say that there is a connection between these two and even though I haven’t seen them together, I know for a fact that these two not only know each other, but that they are also very closely acquainted.  It’s actually incredibly weird that they both share the same taste in girls.

I’ll let you draw your own conclusions, but let’s just say that these are two very cute but different guys, who I would consider dating, yet I know that it would be very awkward if one of them was to introduce me to the other.  Both are sweet, but one has more of a level head screwed on, while I feel like I wanna try to support the other one to have some sort of positive impact in his life.  Neither has called though, which might be for the best, but it’s typical that any guy I’m attracted to is reluctant to make a move.  Personally, I think that I need to start taking guy’s numbers, which will also prevent my number from being in too many people’s phones.

This then brings me to one more guy in my life.  Someone who is special, funny, caring and would most likely be good for me, but although I can visualise us together, I don’t see us getting together.  I also won’t allow myself to like him – as you know how I do – but if he did make a move I’ve started to wonder if I’d reciprocate.  Someone very close to me thinks that he likes me, but he hasn’t made a move, so I guess it’s pointless to mention.

It would be so much easier if guys were upfront and said what they felt, did what they said they were going to do and made a move if they were interested.  It would save time, prevent a lot of drama and stop wires from getting crossed.  I am someone who is not backwards in being forwards, so I will say how I feel, act on it and make the first move, but I don’t want to be accused of acting too much like a guy, like I have in the past.  I like to go out and get what I want, instead of standing around and wasting time, but most guys are not like that so for now, my “love life” is just a joke.