Dark Place

Staying Quiet

Yesterday, a friend of mine who had not been around for a while asked me why I was so quiet, saying that I used to be the life and soul, or something like that.  Another one of my friends responded by saying that I matured, but I wouldn’t say that’s it, although getting older and slightly wiser may have a minor part to play.

First off, it has a lot to do with me not being the same person I was all those years ago.  I’m more in tune with who I am now, so I don’t feel the need to be overly excited and bubbly to hide my insecurities or attract attention from those around me.  I prefer to sit quietly observing, speaking when I have something to say and receiving attention based on who I genuinely am, rather than the act I put on so you don’t see the real me.

Another reason for my quietness is the state of mind I’m in at the moment.  I’m already someone who doesn’t like speaking for the sake of it, but when I’m going through one of my darker periods, I’ll say fewer words until I feel really convicted to say something.  I don’t want to shut myself off from the world and not give time to the people I love, because that would go against my new mantra, which involves me trying to stay more connected to others and give more of my time, just like my late uncle and grandad.  Nevertheless, I don’t think I’ll be able to be fully happy and chatty when around them – not for now anyway.

To tell you the truth, my mind isn’t really here half of the time and the whole of me is fighting to stay alive.  There are times when I may be quiet, because I’m there in body but not in any way else.  I’ll smile and speak when needed so you wouldn’t know.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m not around that particular group of friends so much any more or I’ve felt shut out from certain sub-groups that have formed, so there are times when I will feel a little uncomfortable or out-of-place.  I also tend to feel like an outsider anyway, so that doesn’t help.

That is why I’m quiet and why I probably always will be quiet – unless I feel passionate about a subject or have something to say.  Talking isn’t something I’m going to be doing a whole lot of anymore.


Facing Up to It

I’m so tired of being in this sick, twisted world that continues to bring me hurt, misery and pain, in spite of all the good that surrounds me.

In many ways, I am done with this life, although I do want to keep living, and I have no desire to put an end to the life that God has given me.  I am in pain, but things could be so much worse.

For some reason, I continue to make stupid mistakes and find myself in situations that I have no reason to be in, which messes me up inside and sends me back to the dark places I’ve found myself in before.

Last month, I found myself in a situation that left me with feelings of upset, anger, regret and annoyance, but I can’t change it.  The past is the past and I don’t have the privilege of owning a time machine, so what will be will be.

However, I decided to try and put it to the back of my mind and I hoped that going away would make me okay with everything that was going on for the time being.  However, distraction doesn’t keep the demons at bay and they found a way to hit me when I was least expecting it.

Despite my resistance, I am going to have to face up to everything and deal with all the heartbreak, pain and anguish from over the years, otherwise it is going to cause me to break down entirely.  However, I’d rather just be done with it and not dwell on anything all.