I hate feelings. I genuinely hate feelings. I hate that you can’t stop them, I hate that you can’t change them, and more than anything, I hate that you can’t control them.
I would give anything to control my feelings; in fact, I have attempted to control them and in some ways I’ve succeeded. I don’t allow myself my emotions to spill over in front of others and I’m able to suppress my romantic feelings, to the point where I’m not actually sure whether I like someone or not.
The confusion over romantic feelings is not necessarily a good thing, but it prevents me from getting hurt. I’d rather make myself think that I don’t like someone or bury those types of feelings in a dark hole, if it meant that I wasn’t rejected, walked over, messed around with or made to feel that I wasn’t good enough again. I don’t think there’s anything worse than feeling like that and I’ve rather avoid it. However, this again signifies my issue with control, but now I’m asserting control over my feelings instead of the direction my life is heading in.
I thought that I had moved past my issues with control, but today in counselling, I realised that this is far from being the case. I still have the desire to be in control of my life somehow, as it helps me to face the fear of the unknown, which brings me on to fear itself. A huge element of my control issues comes from me wanting to combat fear — fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, fear of looking stupid, feeling worthless… The list goes on.
I’m tired of being afraid though and letting the wounds from my past affect me so deeply that I’m afraid to tap into my feelings anymore. As much as I hate feelings, they are a part of life and I want to be able to access them, so that I don’t miss out on the good, beautiful things. It’s just a shame about all of the bad that has to come with that.