Hating Feelings

I hate feelings.  I genuinely hate feelings.  I hate that you can’t stop them, I hate that you can’t change them, and more than anything, I hate that you can’t control them.

I would give anything to control my feelings; in fact, I have attempted to control them and in some ways I’ve succeeded.  I don’t allow myself my emotions to spill over in front of others and I’m able to suppress my romantic feelings, to the point where I’m not actually sure whether I like someone or not.

The confusion over romantic feelings is not necessarily a good thing, but it prevents me from getting hurt.  I’d rather make myself think that I don’t like someone or bury those types of feelings in a dark hole, if it meant that I wasn’t rejected, walked over, messed around with or made to feel that I wasn’t good enough again.  I don’t think there’s anything worse than feeling like that and I’ve rather avoid it.  However, this again signifies my issue with control, but now I’m asserting control over my feelings instead of the direction my life is heading in.

I thought that I had moved past my issues with control, but today in counselling, I realised that this is far from being the case.  I still have the desire to be in control of my life somehow, as it helps me to face the fear of the unknown, which brings me on to fear itself.  A huge element of my control issues comes from me wanting to combat fear — fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, fear of looking stupid, feeling worthless… The list goes on.

I’m tired of being afraid though and letting the wounds from my past affect me so deeply that I’m afraid to tap into my feelings anymore.  As much as I hate feelings, they are a part of life and I want to be able to access them, so that I don’t miss out on the good, beautiful things.  It’s just a shame about all of the bad that has to come with that.

Upsetting My Spirit

Today I was all set to write about the lovely brownies that I finally baked and show you a picture, but now I am far from being in the mood.  I am upset, I am annoyed, I am agitated and I am verging on furious.

I was having a nice today and I was actually feeling really happy, with a big smile lighting up my face, but something has come along to upset my spirit.  I am so annoyed right now that I can actually feel hot tears welling up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.

A call came in just a little while ago that messed up my plans, as a set of people try to dictate my life, which I do not appreciate.  Only God has control over my life, so no one has a right to say what I should do and when, especially when I already have plans set in motion.

This particular organisation has upset my spirits before, but this time has been made worse by a particular female annoying me prior to that, the infuriating behaviour of some young people and so-called professionals, and unnecessary behaviour of people that I come across.

Although I am venting here, I no longer feel in the mood to write for my other blog or carry out the work that I was supposed to carry out when I arrived home.  I just don’t get why people can’t just let me be and let me do me, without having to bring their rubbish or control my life.  I know where I’m going and I have the right help behind me, so everyone else needs to fall back.

A Great Plan

God has a great plan in store for me.  I know that I have said this to you a few times, but I am sure of it.

My God is going to do something real great for me, real soon.  I can feel it.

Although things in my life are not perfect, even though I am broken and struggling through, trying to pursue my writing career with no job, I know that God is working something out right now.  I know this, because God has always got my back and He knows how to create good from the bad.

When I cried all those tears and shouted out in anger to God over Him not allowing me to find a work placement after all of the searching and hard work I had put in, He was patient with me and made the way for me to see that fashion was not the route for me.  I had been avoiding that fact all throughout my university life, as I continuously tried to fight for something I had spent so long planning and trying to control.

God had to take action to ensure that I would make the changes He knew I needed to make my life better, and I’m so glad that He did.

Not finding a placement was one small part of my life – although it seemed huge at the time – that set the wheels in motion for the new stage of my life where I let God take control and guide me to where I need to be.

So even though I may not be in the easiest place right now, I can be assured that God is still at work and the plan He has set in place for me will be great.