Connection

Giving Up, Not Waiting for Love

I haven’t written on here for a long while – which is really sad, cos this is one of my babies – partly because I have been busy or have not known what to write about.  However, I’ve now got so much I want to say, but I have no idea of where to start from, which is often the case.  My head is regularly a crazy jumble, whirling round with masses of thoughts and inner-venting.  The inner-venting seems like a good starting point, so I’m going to begin with venting on one of my favourite venting topics: guys.

Yes, that ancient frustration with guys continues to nag at me.  Is it any wonder why I’ve given up on love?  I’m genuinely serious, I’ve given up on love.  If it happens, it happens, but I am not holding my breath, especially as I am willfully trying to avoid love finding me.  I’m not really about dating anyone and I hate the concept of letting anyone remotely close to me, so I prefer to keep others at arm’s length.

Despite not wanting to date or get involved with anyone, guys insist on trying to work their way in.  This should be flattering, but it actually isn’t, considering most of them are time-wasters that end up putting me off guys even more.  In my opinion, if you purposefully go out of your way to make contact, you should be serious and actually want to get to know me as a person.  However, this is not their logic and it confounds me; like, I didn’t request your presence in my life.

I’m happy going along my merry way on my own, yet these guys feel that I must have them come along with me, as if they are somehow an answer to a prayer I never prayed.  In turn, this makes them feel somehow entitled, therefore enabling them to call the shots on how all things should run going forward.  They choose to speak or see you when it is convenient for them, they make it so that you have to come to them (even though they approached you), or the classic, they ask you to come to their house, because thinking of somewhere to go out is just too much.

I am beyond sick and tired of guys making interactions all about them – this actually extends beyond romantic interests and applies to all guys in general.  The conversation begins and ends when they feel.  Their time is more important than yours.  It’s alright for them to treat you any way they feel, even if it is unfair, hurtful or inconsiderate.  The majority of guys I know or know of are so self-absorbed, it is unbelievable.

But I digress.  Basically, I am over having guys in my life romantically.  Not only do I enjoy being single – able to focus on my work and do as I please – but I am fatigued by the disappointment, heartbreak and confusion that guys bring.  It seems to be a consistent and I am so done with it.  For some reason, my love life can never be normal or smooth-sailing.

The guys I tend to like do not like me back, or don’t take me seriously, or are only interested in sleeping with me – this is why compliments about my outer appearance mean so little now and compliments about my persona / inner being hold much more weight.

Then with the guys who do like me, I usually don’t like them back and I don’t want to force myself, because that is not fair on either of us.  And when I do start liking a guy who likes me, somehow their interest begins to lessen, until they stop liking me all together.  It is beyond ridiculous.

As I mentioned earlier, I hate letting anyone close or being vulnerable enough to let them in – it terrifies me.  Letting myself have feelings for anyone terrifies me too, because there is always that chance they will cause me pain.  Too many of the guys I have let in or caught feelings for have left, messed me around or caused deep hurt, which have at times taken me a long time to get over.  I refuse to find myself in those positions again.

I recently met someone who I connected with, almost immediately, which doesn’t happen often, automatically making the individual stand out in my eyes.  He proper made me laugh and I felt comfortable with him – he was genuinely someone that I would want to chill with on a regular basis.  Neither of us want to be in a relationship right now, but I did want to get to know him better on a friendship level (that is the best foundation after all).  However, it turns out he is just a typical guy and out to waste my time.  I really am sick of that.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I would like that go-to person I can pick up the phone and chat to, share the good things and the bad, chill with, and share a sense of intimacy, but we can’t have it all.  For some reason, I don’t do well with love and I don’t see it coming my way.  I’ll just spread love in the world instead.

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We gave each other nicknames

My head wasn’t in the right space to write more than one dedication last week, but I’m feeling a lot better now and I feel that I have the capability to truly express my love for another one of the beautiful people in my life.  Now this is someone that I’ve been friends with since my time at secondary/high school, who I became friends with because we were in a lot of the same classes together.

We are very different people, but I guess we had a common ground in the sets we were in for various subjects and because we had a liking for certain types of music.  Although she’s not into hip hop, RnB and dancehall like me, we do love a bit of indie, rock and emo music.  We really like listening to some of the same artists, like Paloma Faith and Florence + the Machine, and we love some of the same songs.  In fact, it was her that introduced me to Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana.

I think that music is actually one of our biggest connections, because we would spend time during our terrible Physics lessons writing song lyrics in the spaces of each other’s planners, which we would then proceed to sing to each other once they were complete.  It was funny when we would sing songs that the other wouldn’t know.  We also loved High School Musical when it was first released and we spent time concocting a whole weird plot for a sequel.  There were names and everything.

Like all of my closest school friends, I gave her a nickname and I would always refer to her by that name, without fail.  I first started calling her by her surname, which then changed to the nickname that she had as a baby.  I still call her by that nickname now and introducing her using her real name always sounds weird to me – in my eyes, that’s not her name.  She also has a nickname for me – Brownies – which led to her creating chocolate nicknames for my whole family – Chocolate Fondue for my dad, Chocolate Cake for my mum and Chocolate Chip for my sister.  We are in effect the chocolate family.

Sometimes I feel like I take her for granted way to much, because she really is a great friend.  She never forgets my birthday, she always showers me with beautiful gifts that I don’t deserve and she makes time to speak to me, when I have a lot of friends that don’t.  We meet up as much as we can and she made sure she was there at my 16th and 21st birthday celebrations (unfortunately she couldn’t make my 18th).

What was really beautiful though, was when she and two of my other really good friends from school, surprised me with a cake and presents for my 20th birthday.  We were meant to go out for a meal so they could surprise me then, but I kind of ruined it by feeling ill, so they had to come to my house instead.  I was really touched and I felt truly loved by my friends – I will never forget that.

My friend is weird, like so many of the other individuals in my life, and she makes me laugh.  I love spending time listening to music with her and forcing her to listen to the genres that I like.  I know that she will always be there for me, which is why I love her with all my heart.

Questions of the Heart

Do you know how stupid it feels to be into someone that you barely even know?

Do you know how weird it feels to really care about someone that you’ve only met a handful of times?

Do you know how annoying it is to have feelings for someone who clearly doesn’t have those same feelings for you?

Do you know how long it gets to hear that someone is not good enough for you or even good for you?

Is it odd to be into someone who leads a completely different life and is on a totally different level to you?

Is it crazy to feel a connection and deep-rooted attraction to someone who is practically a stranger?

Is it wrong to wish that you’d see someone again just so that you’d get another chance to speak to them?

Is it pathetic for you to still want a person to call, even though they’ve left you hanging for a long period of time?

Is it a pointless endeavour for you to keep someone in your prayers, because you want the best for them, even though they might not want the same thing?

Why is it that people stay on your mind, even when you no longer want them there?

Why is it that the wrong people find a way to tug at your heartstrings?

Why is it that I’m still into you and why is it that my feelings won’t go away, even when you don’t deserve it?  Is it just that I’m a sucker for heartbreak and pain?