I Promise

“I promise.”

I hate that phrase.  I despise it, because about 95% of the time, it is pointless, flung out of the mouth of another person probably without them thinking.  In fact, I hate when anyone promises me anything, because it is usually a lie or yet more empty words.

Lies and empty words seem to be points that I am continuously coming back to these days, but unfortunately they are far too common and regularly uttered by individuals.  Why is it so hard to genuinely mean what you say?

Words should measure up with your actions, except that often isn’t the case anymore and I don’t understand why.  It frustrates me, because the words shouldn’t leave your mind if you didn’t mean them in the first place.  I guess it’s my fault though for having some sort of expectation – you shouldn’t expect anything from anyone.  Most have the tendency to let you down.

However, nothing angers me more than people throwing around the word promise and not following through with what they “promised” to do or suddenly switching up on you.  People are way too inconsistent, especially males, and I am freaking tired of it.  Just be who you are, follow through on your words and stop switching up your personality.  I honestly don’t know what to think of some individuals anymore, and I hate that, because then I don’t know how to act around them.

The only promises I can truly trust and believe in are God’s promises, because I know His words are truth.  My God has never switched up on me and I know he never, ever will.  His promises are the only ones that matter and the only ones I can take seriously, because His words have never been empty.


So Close but yet So Far

You know those friendships that manage to stay strong despite you hardly seeing the individual.  That is the case for me and one of my closest friends, who I speak to regularly, but have not seen for just over four years.  This is not for want of trying though, as we have discussed meeting up many times, but to no avail.

I remember the first time that I met him – I asked for an introduction from one of my other friends, because he was sitting on his own.  I hate to see anyone looking lonely, so I felt that I had to go over to talk to him, and our friendship grew from there.  He was very quiet and sometimes it was a struggle to hear what he was actually saying, but we clicked on some level and it turned out that we had loads in common.

We have a lot of similar feelings and thought processes, we both love basketball and we are big lovers of the sun.  It was funny, because one of our shared friends practically pushed us into keeping in contact, as she was under the impression (along with many others) that I liked him, which simply wasn’t the case.  However, we could stay up talking for hours and I felt very comfortable confiding in him, which isn’t a common occurrence in my world.

My friend has a traditional line, which he used when I first met him and he has now become famous for it.  It always makes me smile when I think of him saying, “I’m from the British Virgin Islands.  You know where da’ is?”  Being from the British Virgin Islands also means that he has a distinct accent, which I love.

Our friendship has not always been perfect, but then again, what friendship is.  Yet in spite of our problems, we have always found our way back and remained firm friends.  He makes me smile, he encourages me, he cares for me and more than anything, I know that he will always be my friend.

I wish that I could see him more and I can’t wait until the day that we finally meet up, because it is long overdue.  I don’t say this about many people, but I adore him.  There is a lot of love there.


So-Called “Friends”

I’ve been in a bit of a mood recently, because I’ve got way too many so-called “friends” in my life right now, mixed up a with a good number of fake friends.

My friendships mean a lot to me and if I say that someone is my friend then I take it seriously.  I care about the wellbeing of that person, I want to know that they’re doing well, I support them in whatever they’re going through, I take the time to check up on them and I let them know that I love them and will be there for them.

Even when a friendship falls apart or I don’t want that particular individual to play a major part in my life anymore, I won’t automatically stop caring about them or loving them, because I love everyone.  If they were going through a really difficult time, I would show them my support.  If someone was shooting at them, I’d be there to push them out the way and even take the bullet for them.

I don’t always like people or appreciate the way they carry on, but I ultimately love people and I want to see them happy, prosperous and enjoying life.  Seeing someone depressed, isolated, hurting or struggling strikes a chord with me that makes me want to do anything I can to make them feel better.  I always tell my friends that I’m here to make them smile or feel good.

In spite of the love I have for my friends, I’m not giving them so much of myself anymore, because it feels like I hardly get anything back in return.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that you should give to receive and there are a number of my friends who give themselves back.  But giving so much of my heart and my love and my care to others can be painful – and at times slightly draining – when they don’t give anything back.

There are too many of my friends that seem to take me for granted and only come to me when they need something, whether it be a favour or someone’s number or a piece of information.  Hardly any of them simply message me to say “Hi” or just to check up on me.

I’m tired of being the “friend” that’s ignored, practically invisible, seen as second best, messed around, treated like a mug and so easily forgotten about.  It’s been a common occurrence for too long in my life and I’m actually fed up of it, so I care a lot less about these people now.

My sister has said that I’m hard-hearted and that I have a hard exterior, but that isn’t strictly true.  Yes, I’ve hardened my heart slightly, but it’s still full of love.  And yes, I have a harder exterior – which I have every right to have – but I’m still fragile, open and honest.

I refuse to let people walk all over me and hurt me and use me like they’ve done in the past, which is why I’m a lot harder on people.  I’ll forgive you and I’ll give you multiple chances, but I will be wary of you, more careful and distrusting.

People in my life, especially my friends, have a way of letting me down and making it seem like I’m the problem.  This is why I really struggle with letting new people in, which is something that really scares me as I prepare to find a husband.  I don’t want to feel like I can’t let anyone in or continuously believe that I’m the problem, but there are individuals around me that make it so easy.

My life is changing, people are changing and I am changing.  I am doing my best to not let people affect me and I am dropping people who are not any good for me.  I’m distancing myself and cutting myself off from a number of people, because I’ve gone past the point of caring and I refuse to keep making excuses.  I’m done with these so-called “friends” of mine.