Cold

No More Fight

It feels like I’m slowly fading away and dying inside.  Although I have a desire to live and push forward in all my endeavours, there is no more fight left.

Over time, I’ve felt myself getting weaker and weaker, relying on God to give me all of the strength I need to get by, because I’m tired of fighting anymore.

I’m tired of living in this cold, cruel world, full of cold people.  Cold people who stab you in the back, turn their backs on you, kick you when you’re down and stamp all over your heart.  I’ve been exhausted by the constant lies, mind games and two-faced behaviour, resulting in me not knowing who to trust.

Even though I’m trying to stay hopeful and cling on to the vision of love that I want so much, so that I can say to that special person, “I knew I loved you before I met you”, I’m starting to think that I’ll always be riding solo.

Guys continue to show that they’re the same, over and over again, with their false words, false personalities and manipulations.  When I consider letting any guy in, they somehow show their true colours and make me feel stupid, taking me right back to square one.

I want to be able to not only let guys in, but let people in, especially if I want to get married in the near future.  However, people make that extremely difficult and the barriers that started to break down are being built back up, only this time they are twice as thick.

I’m sick of taking one step forward and then ten steps back, after another run-in with someone who professed to be my friend.  My heart is still hurting after the loss of a close friendship and it feels like it has been broken into a million pieces after other events.

I am a mess who wants to be fixed, but I know that is going to be tough process and only God has the ability to fix me completely.  I just wish that I could be better than this and make God proud by being the positive, happy person that I should be and that He wants me to be.

Maybe the fight will return to me sometime soon, but for now, I’m tired.

Being Called Stupid

One thing I hate is being called stupid.  It genuinely upsets me and it actually hurts, which people do not seem to realise.

I am a patient person and I take a lot of crap from people, smiling in the face of their foolishness and responding to them in a jokey-y way, even though I am very serious about what I’ve said.

I am a naturally sweet person, but calling me stupid will bring out the cold and sometimes aggressive side of me that I prefer to keep under wraps.  It is especially worse when those close to me call me stupid, because I would not expect them to refer to me in that way.

My reaction to being called stupid is a slight reflection on myself, because I think that I can act very stupid on occasion and there are times when I have thought of myself as stupid.  Although I know that I’m not stupid, I continue to struggle with the feeling that I am, which is definitely something that I need to get past.  I think I have just encountered so many people who have treated me in a certain way, because they saw me as a stupid girl.

Being called stupid goes alongside my feelings of not being good enough and seeing myself as the problem, which I am doing my best to get away from.  However, when that word is directed at me, I think that those feelings rise up somewhere within me and subconsciously affect my emotions.

This is always something that will bother me, but it truly hurts me and gets under my skin if the people that I love say it to me, because I seriously do not like it.  So whatever you do, don’t call me stupid.

I’m Done

It’s taken a long time, but I’m officially done with you now.  You’ve hurt me too many times, broken my heart on more than one occasion and made me more angry than I want to be.

The love I had for you ran out a while ago, during the same time that I decided our friendship was over, and now I’m done with our relationship altogether.  I can’t help seeing you or being around you, but you don’t have any part in my life anymore.

I don’t know if you’ve completely changed or if you were a complete fake in the past, but I simply cannot understand how you can be so cold and callous.  It’s like you don’t care about me at all and you are only trying to keep some sort of relationship for your own personal gain.

There are so many questions circling around my head and I’ve started to doubt our entire relationship, but I need to stop dwelling on it and forget about you, because there is nothing I can do.

Something doesn’t seem right about you and you don’t seem willing to fully face up to everything I told you, but I’m sick of waiting around and I refuse to let you hurt me anymore than you already have.

You don’t seem genuine and you’re far from caring.  You’re so full of yourself and it’s like I no longer measure up to you, so I don’t see the point.  I’m just done with our relationship now.