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Love Letter To…

To…

I want you to know how I feel.  I need you to know how I feel, cos its driving me crazy.  Even trying to find the right words is difficult, because I don’t know where to start and I don’t know where the feelings end.  I’m not sure how strong my feelings are, and then when I stop to consider them, I wonder whether they’re even genuine.

However, I think they have to be.  Because there is no reason for me to feel this aching sadness, simply because I don’t know if you feel for me.  There is no need for me to get upset over being unable to tell you how I feel.  I shouldn’t miss you this much or want to talk to you almost everyday.  Why have I sat wondering what’s going on with her or if she is your girlfriend?  In all honesty, I should feel no way about us not being together and just being friends.

I wish it was that easy – that I could lock my feelings away and toss them to the bottom of the sea, never to be felt again.  I don’t want to feel this way about you.  You’re my friend and a close friend at that; losing you does not bear thinking about.  When life feels bad, it’s you I want to talk to.  I want to share my joys with you.  Music is our language; so many songs make me think of you – if you only knew how many songs I’ve sent, loosely trying to let on how I feel about you.

Yet I don’t think its the same on your end – I’m not sure you want to let me in.  Although don’t get me wrong, you’ve shared some beautiful things and I’ve valued our conversations more than you will ever know.  I just don’t think you realise how much I want to be there for you, how much I am there for you, and I want to hear anything you have to say.

You might ask when my feelings for you began, but I honestly have no idea.  I know they’ve been there for a while, but I’ve tried my hardest to ignore or suppress them, to no avail it would seem.  All I know is that you were able to capture my heart with your caring nature, maturity and musical romanticism; your humour, intelligence and wisdom.  Your eyes drew me in to your haunting beauty – beautiful eyes that somehow see beauty in me.

I love the way you see me; I wish I could see myself the same way that you do.  I don’t know if that will ever be the case though, as you see this truly beautiful, strong, amazing woman, which I cannot understand.  But then again, I can tell that you don’t fully see yourself the way I see you.

What makes my feelings for you even more frustrating is that they persist, even when you hurt me last year and left my heart feeling bruised.  You came across like so many others before you and it effected our bond in a way – I put up walls and tried to create some distance, which hasn’t fully gone away.  Yet those feelings are still there and you won’t get at of my head, as sickening as it is.

I want to be close to you and have your arms wrapped around me.  I want to look up into those big, beautiful brown eyes that warm my heart and put a smile on my face.  I want to walk with you hand in hand, talking about our lives.  I want to be able to kiss you, while we listen to the music we love so much.  Simply put, I want to be with you… but I can’t and that’s just the way it is.  You’re out of reach and you most likely don’t feel the same.  That’s just the way my life is and I’m gonna have to deal with that.

However, I had to let you know how I feel, because it was tearing my up inside and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I hope we can stay friends, because I love you with all my heart and I can’t lose you.  You’ve become such a special person in my life and I hope you know that.

Love always,

Shan

My Sister & I

As I was sat today looking at my sister, I thought about the future when we would be living apart, when she would be married and I would be married.  No longer living in the same house, no longer sharing the same room.

You see, people don’t understand how close my sister and I are, just how attached we are.  She’s not just my sister, but she’s my best friend, my little baby, my confidant, the person who knows everything about me, the person who means more to me than anything in the world to me.

You see, there are times when I’ve been holding on by a thread, and the only thing that kept me hanging on was wanting to be there for my sister to support her.  I could never intentionally leave her alone in this world.

The thought of one day living in totally different house from her makes me sad, because of all the jokes we’ve had together and all of our late night girl talks.   We laugh at things that nobody else would understand, we sing songs that the other is thinking and we come out with exactly the same reactions at the same time.

My sister and I have a very special bond — I say that we’re twins born three years apart.  As we get older, the prospect of living apart gets closer, which is a little difficult to face up to.  Over the course of this year has actually been the longest time we’ve spent apart, as I’ve spent almost three weeks away from her.  When I was away in Bosnia for two weeks, I didn’t realise how much I’d miss her.

My sister, my Rhi Rhi, my best friend is also my other half and words cannot express how much I love her.  We both want happiness for the other, so of course we’re going support one another getting married, but it doesn’t mean that we’re not going to miss each other a whole lot.

Pulling Away, Shutting Me Out

Why is it that when you tell the people in your life about the problems you may be having with them, they shut you out, push you away or stop speaking to you altogether.

It is painful, unfortunate and at times, frustrating, because you feel that you should be able to talk through your problems with those who are close to you.  If you cannot talk through those things or if they run away at the first hurdle, then it makes you think that maybe you weren’t that close in the first place.

I am someone who would prefer to tell those closest to me what is bothering me, so that it does not stay bottled up and they can understand how I feel.  This works both ways, as I want me and those closest to me to be able to talk through what’s bothering us, rather than blow up at each other later.

However, in my desire to be a caring, kind, loyal friend and prevent any conflict, I find myself holding these things in and constantly making excuses for the people in my life.  I also struggle with revealing my inner feelings, because it seems like I am an easy punch bag or doormat that people would quite easily turn on.

It’s annoying, because it seems that I suffer either way and those who are closest seem to pull away.  Yet it also makes me question the relationship I had with certain people in the first place, making things even worse.

Why should I have to keep my mouth shut though?  Why should I have to keep making excuses for others when they behave as if I am of little importance to them?  Why must I always be the sweet little thing who gets walked over by the people who profess to love me?

I am so sick and tired of all of it, and it hurts, but I am not going to let it bring me down.  It will take a little time, but I will move on and be at peace.  After all, I’ve been through worse and keeping friends in my life who break my heart is detrimental to me.  I just wish that those closest to me could be as understanding of me, as I am of them.