Change

People

Like a lot of my poems, ‘People’ was born out of struggles and sadness.  This poem was written during The Complete Freedom of Truth when I needed time to myself, and was inspired by situations from the past few months when I’ve really struggled to be around people and needed time to get my emotions together.

People.

I have a real love-hate thing

With people.

Sometimes loving people,

Sometimes not,

At times wanting to integrate with them,

Other times desperate to be away from them.

When I’m in the right setting,

In a good place within,

People bring me joy,

Put a smile on my face,

Leave my heart bursting,

With love.

Yet if I’m in a bad place,

Swimming in a sea of people

Is the worst possible thing;

Easily infuriated,

I don’t want to talk,

Wanting to cry,

At any fleeting moment.

Some people ask what’s wrong,

Might try to engage in conversation,

But barely any words get said,

Feelings kept hidden below.

I hate letting my guard down,

Letting others see my pain;

In those times,

Preparing to keep myself to myself,

As my own company is best,

Not offending,

Annoying anyone else,

Giving my emotions time to rest;

Because even if I reveal

How I feel

To them,

Would I express it correctly,

Would they truly understand?

People will be people,

That will never change,

But I can change my location,

Making sure I’m not in their way.

Hating 24

I turned 24 on Monday and I hated it.  For the first time in a long while, I actually felt my age.  I felt older, like the many responsibilities of being an adult were hitting me harder than ever before.  When a friend of mine joked that I was turning 17, I genuinely wished I could turn back time and be a teenager all over again, but time can only move forwards in this life.

Now it’s not that I hate being an adult because I don’t want to have to deal with responsibilities – it’s just that life gets tougher, more demanding and a lot more real.  The future continues to draw nearer and plans for your life seem to become more urgent, as the days run away from you; it seems that you’re running out of time, despite being relatively young.

Three years ago, my life plan completely changed after I made the decision to drop out of university, meaning that I’m not currently where I thought I would be or should be in regards to my career.  Instead, I’m on a different path, which I believe is God’s plan for my life, but it’s happening at a slower pace than I would like.

Although I keep on reminding myself that I’ve achieved and grown a whole lot in the past few years through the various actions I’ve taken, I still feel that it’s not enough.  I don’t feel that I’m doing enough to change my community, make changes in my country, eventually change the world.  Couple that with not having a job that pays enough for me to buy my own place, I end up feeling frustrated and sad, like I’m failing in some ways.

Then there’s the matters of the heart, the constant issue of love that leaves me impatient, despondent, jealous and in tears, over and over again.  I’m 24 now, with no boyfriend and no boyfriend on the horizon, which is depressing, because I always wanted to be married by 25 at the latest.  There is no chance of that happening now.

For me, love is cruel, breaking my heart or simply not working out, for one reason or another.  The cruelty of love punched me in the face on my birthday, as it fully hit me that there was no chance of finding the one in the time frame I wanted.  It felt like the window was closing as I grew older, time quickly getting away from me.

As I write this I can see that time is a constant thread throughout.  The thought of time getting away from me is causing me distress, especially as this world continues to show me that life is short.  I want to achieve as much as I can, give as much as I can, feel as much as I can.  I want to impact the lives of young people, I want to have an organisation of my own, I want to experience real, beautiful love that will actually be reciprocated.  I want to feel happy in my age, not fearful and anxious.

Following on from my birthday has been a struggle, as I’ve found myself wrestling with questions and dealing with conflicts of the heart throughout the remainder of the week.  Not knowing what to do or how I feel, I’ve worked myself into a state of panic that I’m struggling to come back from.   Effecting my health and my emotions, my head hurts, my chest feels strange and I can’t hold back the tears that are flowing for reasons unknown to me.

I don’t think I’ve ever hated a birthday or an age like I’ve hated 24, which comes as a surprise to me – I expected to simply feel indifference, not complete disdain.  However, the fact is I’m still here and I want to be thankful for my life, because there are two beautiful people I love very much who aren’t here anymore and I wish that they still had a life to live.  I just need to take every day as it comes and trust in God, because He’s got my back and His timing is perfect, in spite of how much I may want to rush Him.

Basking in the Happiness

On Saturday, my cousin told me that I looked happy, which came as a surprise, because I’d been feeling far from happy just a few days ago.  In that same week, I’d been crying my eyes out, feeling uneasy about myself and tiring of people.

However, as I stopped to think about it, I realised that I did feel happy on that day and in that moment.  Tomorrow might have been different and I might have found myself wrapped up in sadness again, but it didn’t make a difference, because I was happy in that moment.  I was actually taking the time to enjoy the present, which unfortunately isn’t something that I do very often.

I got to thinking about why I was feeling happy and it dawned on me that I was back in a place that where I felt comfortable and loved — a place that would always feel like home.  Stepping through the front doors and walking past the various rooms I was so familiar with, I was instantly hit with nostalgia that brought a huge smile to my face.

This was my home away from home, the house where I spent so many hours of my teenage and early adult years, with so many of the people who I love and adore.  Countless memories were made here that will stay in my mind forever, filled with joy, emotion and laughter.  The fun movie nights, crazy sleepovers and huge gatherings, which had the house overflowing with noise.

Despite meaning to visit, I hadn’t been to my home away from home in years, so returning to celebrate the birthday of one of the people I love and call family was the perfect opportunity.  I was surprised to see that so much changed, but much to my comfort, so much had remained the same.

Although time has moved forward and things have changed, the memories I have from that house will forever stay the same — thinking about them will never fail to bring joy to my heart and put a smile on my face.

Really, all I’m trying to say, is that it was nice to be back in a place that felt like home and bask in the good times, which is something that will always cause a sense of happiness to well up within me.