Broken

Finally Able to Write

There’s been so much I’ve wanted to say, so many thoughts I’ve needed to express, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to write anything down.  Over the past month, I’ve found myself in a depressive state, where the world felt dark, I felt broken and what I loved doing most in the world no longer brought me joy or relief.

Writing is connected to my emotions, so if my emotions are out of whack, then I find myself unable to write.  However, I am usually able to write about my feelings, but I wasn’t even able to do that over this month.  For some reason, writing felt futile and my words did not seem like enough — they would not fix the pain I felt or make me feel any better about myself.

Losing my grandad has brought me more pain than I ever imagined and I feel like a part of my heart is now missing, buried deep in the ground with my grandad.  Not having his presence in my life is proving a lot to get used to, especially as I find myself doubting my own being.

I’ve not only found myself grieving over my grandad, but I’ve also lost a lot of belief in myself and begun doubting everything I set out to do.  Again, I thought of myself as not good enough, not capable, not up to the standards I set for myself.

I was tired of the world, ready to give up hope and isolate myself from everyone.  I didn’t want to interact with the people in my life, I didn’t want to see anyone and there was no way I was leaving my house unless I was going to work.  I simply wanted to be alone, because you can’t be hurt or let down that way, but that isolation just brought me more sadness.

As the dark cloud started to lift and people began saying things that seemed to relate to my situation, I saw that I couldn’t just give up because things weren’t going positively or the way that I wanted them to.  I refuse to be the person who walks away at the sign of failure, otherwise I’ll never be a success.

It’s not been easy and I know it’s not going to get any easier — it’s been a struggle adjusting back to reality and the thought of getting back out there is still daunting for me.  And last Friday, when I wrote for the first time since my grandad’s death, I found myself feeling strangely fearful, as if the right words wouldn’t come to me or as if I’d lost my writing mojo.  Yet once I did it, I felt good and realised that like most times, I had nothing to fear.

To sum it up, I’m a mess who’s trying to fight through and allow myself to be fixed by the God I love and trust.  However, I need to keep reminding myself of why I’m doing what I’m doing and not allow myself to give up, in spite of the failures, dark days, hurt and pain.  I just want to be the woman God intends for me to be and make my grandad proud, because I know he wanted the best for me.

Missing the Old Times

As I celebrated the birthday of a friend I’ve grown up with, it was funny to hear many of us say that we missed the old days or wonder how we had all drifted so far apart.

Growing up results in numerous changes, as we all head down different avenues in our life and start doing new things.  Some of us will be more busy than others and some may begin to drift apart, which can lead to broken friendship groups.

However, no matter how far apart or busy we may be, our group will come together to celebrate a birthday, a baby blessing or any other big occasion.  When we need to be there for each other, then we’ll be there for each other and I know that the majority of us will continue that tradition.

One of the best things about being around the huge group of my church friends again was getting jokes and watching their crazy behaviour, which always leaves in me in fits of laughter and then a sore throat.  Being in that upbeat, joyful environment always makes me feel fresh and a lot younger again.

Celebrating with my lifelong friends and reminiscing about old times was definitely the boost I needed and no matter how lonely or strange I may feel, those moments with those people always make me feel good.  I know that they’re going to be a part of my life forever.

Come As You Are

I recently finished listened to a sermon that emphasised on coming to God as we are.  Too many of us think or are made to think that we need to be perfect and holier than holy before we can come to the throne of grace, but this is a myth.

God wants us to come to Him covered in our dirt, sin, scars and blemishes, and He will meet us at the point of our need.  It is amazing to serve a God who is willing to meet us wherever we are in our lives, and I for one am glad that I can come to Jesus as the sinner that I am.

I am someone who has never professed to be perfect and God can work with that.  By being honest and upfront with Him about my faults, He can start to work a change in me that I cannot do by myself.  If we try to change ourselves and then come to God because we believe that we are now worthy, that is when things start to go wrong, because we cannot change ourselves.

I have a deeper connection with God, because I came to Him during my dark days of depression, low self-esteem and self-hate, which He was able to carry me through.  Inside I am broken into many pieces, but I know that God is picking up those pieces and mending them so that I become the work of art He has always wanted me to be.

I have made mistakes, I have done wrong and I continue to struggle with sins, but my God knows all of that and He still loves me.  He constantly works on me and rebuilds me, even though there are times when I have given up or wanted to end it all.  My God was still there waiting for me, even after I tried to go at life on my own terms.

God has brought me through numerous trials and He is continuing to help me fight through the storms I am facing in my life today.  I can put my hands up and say I am a work in progress, which seems to have become my catchphrase now.  There is still a long way for me to go, but I know that it all began with me coming to God as I am, which is why I can sit here typing this blog post for you today.

So whatever you may be going through or wherever you are in your life, I urge you to come to God as you are, because He loves you no matter what.  He does not want you to be perfect, because He is willing to work with you.  I’m just asking you to give Him a chance.