Blame

My Own Worst Enemy

It is incredibly frustrating being my own worst enemy, but what is worse is that I cannot seem to stop warring with myself.  No matter how hard I try, I find myself fighting internally, which just drags me down.

I have spent a lot of time blaming other people and other factors, when it really all comes down to me.  Yes, people have hurt me and I have struggled with certain situations, but I have allowed myself to be badly effected by the actions of others and I have put myself in some stupid situations.  I have made bad decisions, I have told myself that I mean nothing and I have convinced myself that I am always the problem.

Most of my negative feelings have been fabricated in my mind, as no one has actually said those things directly to me.  I expect constant high standards of myself and when I don’t reach those standards or get what I want, I put myself down and find ways to feel worthless.  I want everyone to like me, accept me and respond well to me, but I start closing myself off when that doesn’t happen.

Over the years, I have built up walls and closed myself off, which has made me a quieter and smaller version of myself.  My self-esteem has dropped and my confidence has diminished drastically, preventing me from being truly happy and reaching the potential that so many individuals can see in me.  It’s as if all those around me can see the good, except me.

I have known for a long time that I am my own worst enemy, but realising that it is the cause of so many of my problems is a great move in the right direction, because I can do something about it.  However, what is difficult is trying to overcome it, as I don’t really have an idea of how to do that.  I know that it all starts with having faith in God and sitting at His feet, but where do I go from there?

Overcoming my battle with self is essential, because it is seriously holding me back.  It is preventing me from getting up and doing things that I have every intention of doing.  It is stopping me from going out, being brave and speaking to the young people that I need to speak to.  It is putting a halt to me making a real difference, and I really don’t want that.

Again, this is about me being a work in progress and I am glad that God is working in my life, but this is an issue that needs to be fixed as soon as possible.  I hate being my own worst enemy and it is extremely tiring now, because I want to be so much more than the person I am and finally be the person that God wants me to be.

The Real Issue

A few days ago, I told you that I need to go back to the beginning, and yesterday I did just that.  Going back to the start was what I needed to do in order to move forward and now I believe that I can finally do that, after having a refreshing walk and long talk with God.

It wasn’t the easiest of tasks, as some my childhood memories were a little hazy and there were particular situations that I don’t really like facing , because of how bad they make me feel about myself.  However, it was all necessary if I was going to gain an understanding of why I behave the way I do and why I get so deeply effected by unnecessary things and situations.

Last night, I took a long hard look at myself and the guys that I clearly remember being involved with.  I realised that my early antics were typical silly actions that many children carry out.  I saw that I was intrigued by people from an early age and that I liked lighties from childhood.  Most little girls like boys and they think it’s fun to talk about boys, but I let this love of boys become a controlling factor in my life.

It’s easier to blame a guy or tell others that a guy has hurt you, rather than admit that you have problems with yourself or face up to the issues in your family.  I would take all of the bad things that guys would say or do to me and react badly, because I actually felt horrible about myself and did not like the person that I was.  I would do things with guys that weren’t me, because I desired to feel wanted and attractive, but I would just feel worse later.  I would crave the attention that they would give me, because I didn’t feel that I was getting it from my parents.

Up until recently, I did not even realise that I had such deep-rooted issues in my home life and now I think that it’s too late to change them.  However, what I can change is how I feel about myself and how I perceive the person that I am.  I need to really love myself, appreciate who I am and forgive myself for the things I have done in the past that I ashamed of.  I need to see the person that God sees when He looks at me.

Guys are not the main issue, even though I have spent so long convincing myself that they are.  The real issue is me and I’m glad that I have finally realised that, because now I can do something about it.  The hole in my heart that I have spent so long trying to fill with attention from guys has been caused by the emptiness that I feel, and I need God to come in and fill it.  It won’t be easy, but I have faith that it will happen, because my God can do anything.

My hope in finding love has been revitalised, because I know that once I am at one with myself and have a heart filled with God’s love, He will send the one into my life.  I just need to keep on remembering that God will always want me, love me and give me undivided attention, even when others won’t, because that is what is important.