Next Tuesday, I’m turning 25 and I am absolutely dreading it. Everyone asks why or is very surprised, but the dread of getting older can’t be that shocking can it? I was feeling my age since I turned 24 last year and although 24 is still young, I don’t feel young anymore. Don’t let this baby face fool you – I’m an old soul and my body feels like it’s breaking down at times too.
In all honesty, it’s not even the dread of getting older that is the biggest issue, even though I’ll be the first to admit I don’t like growing up anymore. Turning 25 also means I’m halfway to 30 now and that actually scares me. Imagine, responding to the question of how old are you with 30! That’s just mad.
However, my main issue is where I find my life at 25. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a whole lot in the past few years and there are so many things I can be proud of. I’ve found my true purpose and I genuinely love what I do, despite the difficulties it throws at me, but this isn’t where I intended to be.
I know that I cannot control everything and I’ve had to relinquish the majority of my control over the years, but if my life was going to plan – my original plan that is – I would be in the process of setting up my fashion business by now. I would have gained some years of experience after graduating and I’d be preparing to branch out on my own.
Ideally, I’d be married or even engaged, preparing to get married at 25, not flying solo with no prospects and giving up on love entirely. I should be in talks with my husband right now about having kids, not giving up on the idea of ever having kids on my own. And I should have been closer to having my own home.
It is funny though, because although I’m not in the process of setting up a fashion business, I am in the process of setting up a business; just in a totally different field. And even though I’d hate to admit it, there is no way I should be married at this time of my life, because I am so messed up and not at the stage where I’m ready to simply be in a relationship – marriage would be too big of a step.
I may want to be further along than I am, but life has thrown me countless curve-balls and I’m on a journey of growth that I cannot rush. I need to procrastinate a lot less, but I cannot hurry along the growth and learning within myself. What I would like though, is a time machine so that I could be the beautiful age of 22 again, take the leap into certain areas of my life rather than living in fear, and rectify some of my silly mistakes.
Did I mention that I hate getting older?