Appreciation

Crying Out for Acceptance, Approval & Appreciation

In this world, we find ourselves striving for material things, things that can be bought, things that can be studied or achieved. We want the nice house, the pretty clothes, the flash car, the good grades, the top job to fill our bank accounts with money, and the list goes on.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting these things, as most of them are basic needs and wanting our things to be nice or attractive to look at isn’t a crime. However, it becomes a problem when this becomes our main want in life and our desire for these things overtakes our need for happiness, love, inner peace or our own well-being.

We have a tendency to neglect our mental and emotional health, in favour of meeting the standards society has set for us, striving to make the most money we can, or get the best grades we can, or have as many things as we can. I’m guilty of this myself and I’ve been paying the price for it over the years.

I put myself under pressure and unnecessary stress to achieve the best grades possible at GCSE and A-level. I worked myself ragged as I did all I could to get into my dream university. I found myself emotionally drained and mentally tired, giving my all on a university course I hated, in an institution where I never felt comfortable.

Although my grades at GCSE and A-level were good, I got into my dream university and I persevered for two years at that university, it wasn’t worth the emotional and mental turmoil I put myself through. By putting myself on a pedestal and piling on the pressure, I ended up losing myself and a sense of happiness in the process.

My energy dropped, my mood could quickly worsen and I let little things upset me. I found myself easily getting into depressive states, I cried bucket loads of tears and I was self-harming over the years. I was emotionally dying, walking around in a daze and struggling to fall asleep.

Yet through it all, my desire to make others proud wouldn’t allow me to give up. I wanted to make my parents proud, I wanted to make my family proud, I wanted to make my Textiles teacher proud, I wanted to make my tutors proud etc, etc. However, I can’t say that I was making myself proud – all I saw was disappointment after disappointment.

My GCSE grades weren’t good enough for me. I wanted to get all As at A-level, just like my teachers had predicted, not just one A*. I was regressing rather than progressing at university, which depressed me more and more, because I was trying my absolute hardest and spending practically every waking moment on my assignments.

None of this was helping me and my desire to be the best (or perhaps the world’s idea of the best) was covering up the issues within myself. In trying to be the best, I was crying out for acceptance, approval and appreciation.

I wanted my parents to say how proud they were of me and tell me they loved me. I wanted to make something of myself so that people would no longer look down on me or look through me. I wanted to ensure that I wouldn’t be second best anymore.

Looking back on it all, I can see that all I want and all I’ve ever wanted is love, affection, support, care and appreciation from the people around me. I don’t want to feel lonely (despite not being alone) and I don’t want to feel like I’m second best all the time. Yet what I really need is to learn to truly love myself.

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No Place Like Home?

It’s interesting, because no matter how much it may annoy you or how much the weather may frustrate you or how much people bother you, there is no place like home.

While I was away, I seriously began to miss my home, which I had been desperate to get away from just two weeks prior.  It made me realise that one of the better things about getting away is the appreciation it makes you have for home.

However, the weird thing is that when I got back home, I really started to miss Alabama.  In Alabama, the air was clearer, the water was softer and the wider (mainly straight) roads were good for my travel sickness.

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I also started to miss little things, like eating at certain restaurants, particularly IHOP (shout out to our awesome waiter Ali!  He’s got skills man), and having Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch mixed with Reeses’ Puffs for breakfast.

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I miss not being able to buy certain American sweets and chocolate (like mint M&Ms) or walk around the beautiful Oakwood University campus.  I really miss the amazing smelling Bath & Body works, and I want to be able to go shopping at the Madison Square mall (known as the dead mall, which I fell in love with).

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I enjoyed spending time with family I love so much, but rarely get to see (shout out to my Uncle Keith, Aunty Cynthia, Kaleem, Sheereen, Aisha and Jhanielle), and meeting new people, with lovely bright personalities (shout out to Britney, Matthew, Kojo, Glen and Khyle).  I also enjoyed seeing the friends that I don’t get to see (shout out to Ike, Tori and Alyce!).

It’s funny when you think about the little things you miss about a place, but I know that it is a combination of all these things that makes me want to go back to Alabama.  There is no place like home, but man, does it feel great to get away.

The People in My Life

I really love the people in my life.  They all bring something different to the table and they I know that each of them is in my life for a reason, whatever reason that may be.

I don’t keep just everyone as a constant in my life and I don’t hold everyone close to my chest, but those who are there matter to me.  Some of the individuals in my life matter to me more than they probably even realise and I am sure that I take some of them for granted.

However, I want to do something about that and I want to show the people in my life more appreciation. There is no sweeter feeling than when a friend or family member randomly says I love you, or reels off a bunch of nice words dedicated to you.

Over time, I plan to write a series of posts about the beautiful and interesting people in my life, because I love them so much and I want to bring some extra light and warmth to their day with words of kindness.  However, I intend to make these posts anonymous and allow the people in my life to work out that I am writing about them.  Hopefully what I’ve written will be transparent and personal enough for each individual to realise that my post is actually about them.