Appearance

See What They See

After speaking to my wonderful friend Ellie, I was inspired to write this poem:

Amazing, beautiful, special

Is what they see,

Looking at me with a loving gaze;

I wish I could see what they see.

Lacking confidence,

Self-esteem,

Not loving my face,

Hating my body.

Not worth worrying about,

A plump basic girl,

That’s how I see myself

Without a doubt.

I wish I thought better,

But I don’t,

Struggling to value myself

As much as others,

I think I missed that boat.

Single Number One

Filling my mind,

Time and time again,

Is a thought I wish would go away,

But instead stays put,

Like an unwelcome stranger;

Stalking around and whispering in my ear,

Telling me you’re destined to remain

A single number one forever,

Never to join with another.

Dates aren’t on the cards,

As no king wants to make you their queen,

Leaving jokers standing in their place,

Trying to spit game;

Taking “the one” out of the equation,

Not that he stood a chance anyway,

Because your unbalanced insecurities,

Prevented any chance of equality.

The unwelcome voice does not stand on its own,

My inability to trust ensures it is not alone,

Joined by my ease of seeing the worst in others,

Forming a wall to keep my heart covered.

Then there’s the way I see my reflection,

In the mirror,

Small, dumpy and chubby,

Missing that glimmer,

Which the girlies in my life

Seem to have in abundance,

Leaving me sidelined, out in the cold,

Feeling slightly pointless.

Why aren’t my calves smaller?

Why isn’t my stomach flatter?

Can’t my face be a little slimmer?

Are my glasses the problem?

Raising more questions than answers,

My appearance arises as the main issue,

Mixed with clashes of morals and personalities,

Trust issues and doubt,

A barricaded heart and countless insecurities.

So I find myself back at the beginning,

The single number one,

Giving into the unwelcome voice,

Filling my mind;

Because I’m over it,

I’m done.

 

 

 

A Tragic Life

I recently watched Autopsy: Michael Jackson’s Last Hours and I knew that it was going to be insightful, but I never imagined just how deeply sad it would make me feel.  I am a big Michael Jackson fan – I love his music, his stunning singing voice and his once beautiful face – and it was painful to watch how the tragedy of his life unfolded.

Michael Jackson was a physically sick man, but there were also a number of psychological problems that he seemed to be dealing with.  The seed of insecurity was planted in his mind from an early age when his brothers taunted him about his nose, which would result in numerous plastic surgery procedures down the line.

However, this was made worse when his hair caught fire during a show and he lost a large portion of his hair.  The loss of his hair combined with the skin condition vitiligo would deeply affect Michael, who was not only obsessed with his appearance but was constantly under the scrutiny of the public eye.

It was revealed that he used to bleach his skin, using bleaching cream, to even out his skin tone and he wore wigs in place of the gorgeous head of hair he was now missing.

An unfortunate chain of events had led Michael to drastically change his looks, although the final results were not an improvement on the beautiful face he had in his early career.  However, he was probably content as he lived in the belief that he had corrected his physical attributes.

But the worst part was hearing about the crazy concoction of drugs that Michael Jackson had been taken for numerous years.  I was shocked to learn that Michael was able to take some of these drugs, which should not have been used for typical everyday use.  It was absolutely ridiculous.

The trial revealed that Michael’s doctor, Conrad Murray, had failed him when administering the lethal dosage of drugs that would eventually kill Michael and I agree.  However, I do not think that Conrad Murray can take all the blame for Michael Jackson’s death.  Yes, he did fail in his duty of care and in the end he did cause Michael’s death, but Michael was doomed long before that.

Michael Jackson was an individual who obviously needed help and support, in more ways than one. He needed someone to strictly advise him with his spending and lifestyle, as he spent money like a child in a candy store – possibly due to his lack of childhood – which eventually led to him ending up in serious debt.

He was so obsessed with his appearance and also seemed to be suffering from some low self-esteem, which resulted in years of mostly unnecessary plastic surgery that could have been avoided if he received some counselling and strong guidance.

And most of all, he seemed to need serious psychological help, which may have prevented him from going down the destructive path of taking countless medical drugs that eventually contributed to his death.

But what I just can’t understand is how the people who cared for and surrounded Michael Jackson could not see that there were numerous problems that needed to be addressed.  This was a man who clearly needed help and it appears that he did not get it, which resulted in the tragic loss of a life that had so much more to give.

Michael Jackson was a star who inspired many and will continue to inspire many others, but he was also just a human being and many of us forget that.  In fact, I think that many of the individuals around him forgot that, as they saw him as a money-making machine and chose to neglect his health and well-being.

Michael was failed by many individuals, including various doctors, members of various stage crews who I believe could have done more to prevent some of his injuries and members of his inner circle.  And it did not help to be unnecessarily and continuously teased by his family regarding his appearance, especially as he was in the public eye from a very young age.

An overwhelming feeling of sadness now comes over me whenever I hear one of Michael Jackson’s songs and tears are welling up in my eyes right now, as I think of a talented individual who had so many more years to give and a tragic life that was taken far too soon…