I Want to Get Away

I want to get away.  I desperately need to get away from here and not return – at least not for a very long time.  I’m falling out of love with the home I once loved so much, the love beginning to turn into disdain and frustration.

I know getting away won’t solve my problems, but at least I’ll be away from some of them and able to start anew.  I just want to forget everything, stop doing everything and basically run away from everything.  Maybe that’s the weak way out, but I actually don’t care.  I’m fed up.  Yeah, I said it, I’m fed up and annoyed and tired.

Frustratingly, I say that I’m tired a lot – psychically, mentally and emotionally – but unfortunately, that is often the case.  I’m also very tired of people and becoming increasingly annoyed by them – it seems that I’m leaning more towards the hate side of my love/hate relationship with people at the moment.  I don’t want to be tired of people, I really don’t, and I want to be nice; but the way I just can’t take people sometimes.  Especially at this time in my life.

Like Lenny Kravitz said, “I want to get away, I want to fly away”.  I want to fly somewhere far and get away from all my responsibilities, relax my mind and heal my heart.  But I guess that ‘s just too much to ask.


Up and Down

The past week has been a real mixture of feeling up and down.  I’ve been happy, I’ve been excited, I’ve been thriving, but then I’ve been depressed, upset and annoyed.

I’ve found myself questioning the people around me, wondering whether I truly belong in the different family units I’m a part of and worrying about my job.  I feel uncomfortable in the places where I once felt comfortable and prefer to be alone (or with my sister), not usually speaking to anyone.

Seeing my granddad ill cuts me deep, as I just want him to be okay again and hear him speaking to me.  I want to hear one of his silly jokes or listen to one of his stories about his childhood.

However, I’m happy about some funding I’ve secured and about my interview with East London Lines.  I’m thankful for having a home and money in my account when so many others don’t.  I’m glad that I have a job, which I not only enjoy, but is also close to my house.  I’m happy that I have a sister who I love very much, and who is also my best friend.

But more than anything, I’m thankful for the God I serve who continues to support me and reassure me, even when I find myself constantly worried.  I know He will never let me down and He keeps me from going under into that dark place, which is hard to get out of once I’m in it.  Knowing that I have Him and His promises keeps me up when there is so much that gets me down.

Upsetting My Spirit

Today I was all set to write about the lovely brownies that I finally baked and show you a picture, but now I am far from being in the mood.  I am upset, I am annoyed, I am agitated and I am verging on furious.

I was having a nice today and I was actually feeling really happy, with a big smile lighting up my face, but something has come along to upset my spirit.  I am so annoyed right now that I can actually feel hot tears welling up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.

A call came in just a little while ago that messed up my plans, as a set of people try to dictate my life, which I do not appreciate.  Only God has control over my life, so no one has a right to say what I should do and when, especially when I already have plans set in motion.

This particular organisation has upset my spirits before, but this time has been made worse by a particular female annoying me prior to that, the infuriating behaviour of some young people and so-called professionals, and unnecessary behaviour of people that I come across.

Although I am venting here, I no longer feel in the mood to write for my other blog or carry out the work that I was supposed to carry out when I arrived home.  I just don’t get why people can’t just let me be and let me do me, without having to bring their rubbish or control my life.  I know where I’m going and I have the right help behind me, so everyone else needs to fall back.