Acceptance

You Saw Me

You saw me;

You looked past my smile,

The one you said was beautiful,

And you saw me;

Looking past the mask

I wear so well,

You saw me.

You saw the sadness,

The pain I’ve felt,

All the heartbreak and anguish,

Going deeper than the surface

And seeing into my soul;

Not like so many others,

Who say I’m always happy,

You saw me,

The real me —

The real me

That most don’t get the chance,

Or take the time to see.

You saw me,

Taking me by surprise

In a way no one ever has before;

Instantly that connection was made.

Conversation flowed,

Stories were shared,

Somehow I opened up,

I never thought I would again.

You saw me,

Accepted me for everything I am,

Made me smile, cry and laugh,

Start believing I could open my heart again.

So much more

I wish I could have said to you,

But the past is the past;

I plan to meet you once more,

As you’re in my heart forever

And my love for you will always last,

Because you who saw me.

Crying Out for Acceptance, Approval & Appreciation

In this world, we find ourselves striving for material things, things that can be bought, things that can be studied or achieved. We want the nice house, the pretty clothes, the flash car, the good grades, the top job to fill our bank accounts with money, and the list goes on.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting these things, as most of them are basic needs and wanting our things to be nice or attractive to look at isn’t a crime. However, it becomes a problem when this becomes our main want in life and our desire for these things overtakes our need for happiness, love, inner peace or our own well-being.

We have a tendency to neglect our mental and emotional health, in favour of meeting the standards society has set for us, striving to make the most money we can, or get the best grades we can, or have as many things as we can. I’m guilty of this myself and I’ve been paying the price for it over the years.

I put myself under pressure and unnecessary stress to achieve the best grades possible at GCSE and A-level. I worked myself ragged as I did all I could to get into my dream university. I found myself emotionally drained and mentally tired, giving my all on a university course I hated, in an institution where I never felt comfortable.

Although my grades at GCSE and A-level were good, I got into my dream university and I persevered for two years at that university, it wasn’t worth the emotional and mental turmoil I put myself through. By putting myself on a pedestal and piling on the pressure, I ended up losing myself and a sense of happiness in the process.

My energy dropped, my mood could quickly worsen and I let little things upset me. I found myself easily getting into depressive states, I cried bucket loads of tears and I was self-harming over the years. I was emotionally dying, walking around in a daze and struggling to fall asleep.

Yet through it all, my desire to make others proud wouldn’t allow me to give up. I wanted to make my parents proud, I wanted to make my family proud, I wanted to make my Textiles teacher proud, I wanted to make my tutors proud etc, etc. However, I can’t say that I was making myself proud – all I saw was disappointment after disappointment.

My GCSE grades weren’t good enough for me. I wanted to get all As at A-level, just like my teachers had predicted, not just one A*. I was regressing rather than progressing at university, which depressed me more and more, because I was trying my absolute hardest and spending practically every waking moment on my assignments.

None of this was helping me and my desire to be the best (or perhaps the world’s idea of the best) was covering up the issues within myself. In trying to be the best, I was crying out for acceptance, approval and appreciation.

I wanted my parents to say how proud they were of me and tell me they loved me. I wanted to make something of myself so that people would no longer look down on me or look through me. I wanted to ensure that I wouldn’t be second best anymore.

Looking back on it all, I can see that all I want and all I’ve ever wanted is love, affection, support, care and appreciation from the people around me. I don’t want to feel lonely (despite not being alone) and I don’t want to feel like I’m second best all the time. Yet what I really need is to learn to truly love myself.

Life Changes

Changes take place every single day.  They may be as small as changing the song you are listening to or changing your mind about the outfit you are going to wear today.  On the other hand, they may be more significant changes, such as changing your electricity provider or changing your career choice.

One thing is for sure though, no matter how big or small they may be, we encounter changes on every one of the 365 (or 366) days of the year.  Change is inevitable, but some of us do not want to face up to changes, because we do not like them.

There are times when we need to make and accept changes in our lives, as they may be better for us in the long run and it can be refreshing to try something different.

However, there are times when we are so stuck in our own ways or fixated on a particular plan, that we struggle in allowing ourselves to do something different.  I am someone who has a hard time in dealing with change, as I like being in control and if I really like the way something is being done I don’t want to change it, but I am slowly starting to get over this now.

We need to embrace change and move forward with our lives as the world moves forward.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that all change is for the better, but it is up to you to make the decision for yourself.

Because at the end of the day, no matter what changes may occur, it is your life to live and nobody else’s.