I swear, my emotions are such a wreck right now. They are a complete mess – twisted up, tangled up, mangled up – so much so that I can’t sort them out. I don’t know where the hurt starts and the pain ends. I’m unsure of where the root actually stems from, although I do know that it could be a myriad of things.
However, what I do know is that my heart is broken, battered, bruised, despite being barricaded behind a number of walls. It’s struggling to hold on in this cold world, giving what is left to supporting others, trying to make a difference and actually shine some sort of light in the world.
You see, my favourite phrase right now comes from Romeo and Juliet: “Be not so long to speak, I long to die!” It comes to mind and spurts out of my mouth so many times, because I genuinely don’t want to be here. I despise this world, more than any words I have to my disposal can describe, and I’m tired of having to navigate through it. I’m fatigued by the news of evil, cruelty and twisted sickness. I’m done with being hurt by those who are supposed to be close or love me. I’m just tired of always fighting for something, but always seeming so far away.
If you know me, you know that one of my biggest dreams is to get married and have a family of my own, but I’ve come to accept the idea that this will never happen for me. I never seem to like the ones who like me, and the ones I do like are wrong or lose interest pretty quick. I’m over having my heart broken and letting people in, just to have them walk all over me or just walk away. Focusing on my youth platform and making a change is where my heart will be, which cuts me deep, but it is something I’m coming to accept. I’m not going to fight for love anymore.
Then there is grief, which continues to follow me. Grief always puts me in a strange place and it has definitely put me in that strange place right now, wondering why my uncle is gone and wanting my family to be whole again. Or questioning why he’s gone and I’m still here. I must still be here for a purpose, but in all honesty, I’m not sure how much use I’m going to be if I carry on like this.
Added into the mix is being hurt by another friend who was supposed to be close – someone I felt I confide in about anything – blowing me off, becoming increasingly self-centred and behaving like the others. I’m seriously beginning to question my judge of character these days. Add a dash of a certain someone going hot and cold, spewing words that don’t actually seem to mean a whole lot. Stir in all that’s going on with my work in the community and thinking about money, but not wanting to waste my time doing something I don’t want to do, it’s a recipe for the emotional wreck that I am.
You see, I’m trying my best to be positive, not over think things or cast too many of my thoughts on other people, but that’s easier said than done. I just want to lay down to sleep for a very long time and escape from all the worries, hurt and frustration. I want to give my heart a rest. I want to eliminate all the thoughts in my head. I mean, as the quote says…