Understanding Queries of the Heart


As per usual, queries and feelings fill my heart, seeping into my mind, making me question everything and everyone.  Is what I’m feeling true?  Am I getting caught up in the moment or simply being ridiculous?  Am I overreacting or am I being unnecessarily jealous?  Or perhaps I’m unfairly comparing myself to other individuals?  Who knows?

Those emotions building up in my heart, causing butterflies to spread into my stomach, lead to fear and wonder within me.  I find myself continuously asking if my affection is real and where it stemmed from.  Then I wonder that even if it is true, will that affection be reciprocated by the other individual, or will I find myself in the familiar territory of heartbreak?  However, I still find that pangs of jealously stab at my heart, despite being unsure of whether the affection is real and whether I stand a chance.

Because I don’t think I stand a chance.  I could give you numerous reasons as to why, but they are mainly opinion, not fact.  Because I don’t know what they’re thinking and of course, I’d be too afraid to ask.  And even if there was a chance, the odds would be against us, again for numerous reasons, this time fact rather than opinion.

There’s nothing I can do about that affection though, except push it to the back of my mind and hope that it fades away, or that I find myself drawn to another in the process.  It’s no secret that I’m hoping to find love, yet that’s not that big of an issue.  At this time of my life, love can afford to wait a while, as I try to sort myself out and move my endeavors forward.

You see, my endeavors are of the highest important and I want to ensure that they not only succeed, but that they make the greatest impact possible.  I want to make a real difference in the lives of others, particularly my fellow young people, but I cannot do that alone.  I need support from others, especially from the people in my life, who are supposed to have my back and want to see me succeed.

I don’t think I have that though, not really.  And I say not really, because there are a faithful few who are there for me hardcore; who come out and show their support on a regular basis, who spread the word, who go out of their way to show they support me.  The issue is though, that I can’t say I have the support of the majority, which constantly hurts me, but I can’t force anyone to back me or make time for me.

I shouldn’t have to force anything either, just simply ask and have them come out for me, because I would do the same for them – showing them the loyalty that I value and displaying the love I have them, that comes from deep in my heart.  I find myself questioning why they don’t show me the same level of support I would always show them?  How is it that others have such a strong support system, when mine continues to dwindle?  Why is it that the ones who will ride for me are the ones I’ve known for shortest amount of time, rather than the ones I grew up with?

Each day, each situation I find myself in, brings up new queries and feelings, making me answerable to myself and more wary of others.  I know that I can’t trust people, but the question is, can I trust my feelings, because they’ve been known to shy away from the truth.  I guess it’s just up to me to take some time to take a deeper look into those feelings and into those queries in order to get a better understanding, because I want to know the truth.  Because even though I may not get the truth from someone else, I better get it from myself.

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4 comments

  1. I feel the same way. Can’t trust anyone since they’ll only let me down. Can’t ask questions because they never get answered…or the answers given are complete lies.

    I’ve felt this way since I left home at 16…and feel the same way 20 years later. Some things will never change…
    🙂

      1. It’s the curse of the empath – we always give more to others than they ever will to us, in return.

        That’s why withdrawal and isolation aren’t bad, for us…they are necessary for us to recharge, regroup, and refill ourselves.

        External validation is pointless.

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