Why am I still so hard on myself?
When in my mind,
And in my heart,
I should know better.
Perhaps I’m a little self-centred,
Thinking that everything comes down to me;
Or that everything is my fault.
I’m the cause of the problem,
I’m the reason they’re not speaking to me,
My actions made them walk away,
They don’t know me but don’t like me.
Perhaps I prefer to see the worst in everyone,
Making it easier for my heart,
As keeping them at a distance,
Prevents the possibility of hurt.
Yet seeing the worst can’t be good can it,
My mind twisting everything,
So I can no longer see straight,
Becoming bitter and sabotaging relationships.
Why do voices in my head insist,
On bringing my inner demons the fore,
Reminding me of past hurts and mistakes,
Painful words that cut me to the core,
Things I put on the back-burner,
Coming back to haunt me once more.
No matter how hard I try,
My self-esteem continues to fight against me,
Wanting to bring me down,
Enjoying being my worst enemy.
Then there are my feelings and emotions,
Constantly laughing at me,
Muddled up all inside of me.
They know there’s a serious disconnect,
Between my heart and my head,
Forcing me to consider what feelings are real,
What feelings are not,
Is my heart telling me that,
Or was it planted in my head?
I want to understand my feelings,
But I don’t know where to start,
I want to make sense of
What created that void in my heart.
I want to stop being so hard on myself,
Feeling stupid little jealousies,
I want to stop seeing the worst in people,
Thinking that it’s all about me.
No matter how many steps I take forward,
Something always seems to be holding me back,
Preventing me from being what I want to be,
Becoming the person I should be.
Frustration and annoyance fills me,
Because I’m aware of what’s going on,
But find myself lacking the capacity,
To truly move on.
What this shows me though,
Is that I’m still a work in progress;
Being moulded, shaped and polished,
Into a beautiful work of art.
That I’m not ashamed to admit.