Learning to Understand My Heart


I want that ‘vision of love’, but I’m not even sure I’d know what falling in love feels like anymore.  I want to be able to say, ‘I knew I loved you before I met you’, but I doubt I’d even recognise that connection.

I’ve messed my feelings and emotions up so much, convincing myself I don’t like one person and thinking that I like another because of their face or their interest in me, that I’m not even sure when my feelings are genuine anymore.

I don’t know if I can trust my heart or my head, but I definitely know that I can’t trust my stomach, as that will play up for practically anything.  The last person I started to feel anything for felt forced and fabricated, and I never even got the chance to get to know the guy that came before him.

I rarely find myself attracted to anyone I physically know these days, but if I do find myself attracted to someone, then it doesn’t go any deeper than that.  Sometimes I think it may be heading that way, but then I wonder are these feelings real, am I just into our similarities or am I simply excited because he’s talking to me and the conversation is going well.

It’s also easier not to like someone, because it prevents me from getting my heart broken and I am terrified of heartbreak, so I choose to guard my heart.  However, guarding my heart for so long has made it so that my heart is not adjusted to life outside a prison cell.  It doesn’t know what to do, what to feel or how to act.

I don’t know how to fully open my heart again and I’m completely confused by the beautiful kind of love I want, because I don’t know if it will be real or not once it comes along.  I guess I need to learn to let those barriers down and understand my heart, so that I can learn how to truly feel and then find my vision of love.

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3 comments

  1. I admire your honesty and transparency. You’re so real until it draws the reader in. Keep writing. I pray that the love you deserve will be yours in a matter of time!

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