I want that ‘vision of love’, but I’m not even sure I’d know what falling in love feels like anymore. I want to be able to say, ‘I knew I loved you before I met you’, but I doubt I’d even recognise that connection.
I’ve messed my feelings and emotions up so much, convincing myself I don’t like one person and thinking that I like another because of their face or their interest in me, that I’m not even sure when my feelings are genuine anymore.
I don’t know if I can trust my heart or my head, but I definitely know that I can’t trust my stomach, as that will play up for practically anything. The last person I started to feel anything for felt forced and fabricated, and I never even got the chance to get to know the guy that came before him.
I rarely find myself attracted to anyone I physically know these days, but if I do find myself attracted to someone, then it doesn’t go any deeper than that. Sometimes I think it may be heading that way, but then I wonder are these feelings real, am I just into our similarities or am I simply excited because he’s talking to me and the conversation is going well.
It’s also easier not to like someone, because it prevents me from getting my heart broken and I am terrified of heartbreak, so I choose to guard my heart. However, guarding my heart for so long has made it so that my heart is not adjusted to life outside a prison cell. It doesn’t know what to do, what to feel or how to act.
I don’t know how to fully open my heart again and I’m completely confused by the beautiful kind of love I want, because I don’t know if it will be real or not once it comes along. I guess I need to learn to let those barriers down and understand my heart, so that I can learn how to truly feel and then find my vision of love.