My Own Worst Enemy


It is incredibly frustrating being my own worst enemy, but what is worse is that I cannot seem to stop warring with myself.  No matter how hard I try, I find myself fighting internally, which just drags me down.

I have spent a lot of time blaming other people and other factors, when it really all comes down to me.  Yes, people have hurt me and I have struggled with certain situations, but I have allowed myself to be badly effected by the actions of others and I have put myself in some stupid situations.  I have made bad decisions, I have told myself that I mean nothing and I have convinced myself that I am always the problem.

Most of my negative feelings have been fabricated in my mind, as no one has actually said those things directly to me.  I expect constant high standards of myself and when I don’t reach those standards or get what I want, I put myself down and find ways to feel worthless.  I want everyone to like me, accept me and respond well to me, but I start closing myself off when that doesn’t happen.

Over the years, I have built up walls and closed myself off, which has made me a quieter and smaller version of myself.  My self-esteem has dropped and my confidence has diminished drastically, preventing me from being truly happy and reaching the potential that so many individuals can see in me.  It’s as if all those around me can see the good, except me.

I have known for a long time that I am my own worst enemy, but realising that it is the cause of so many of my problems is a great move in the right direction, because I can do something about it.  However, what is difficult is trying to overcome it, as I don’t really have an idea of how to do that.  I know that it all starts with having faith in God and sitting at His feet, but where do I go from there?

Overcoming my battle with self is essential, because it is seriously holding me back.  It is preventing me from getting up and doing things that I have every intention of doing.  It is stopping me from going out, being brave and speaking to the young people that I need to speak to.  It is putting a halt to me making a real difference, and I really don’t want that.

Again, this is about me being a work in progress and I am glad that God is working in my life, but this is an issue that needs to be fixed as soon as possible.  I hate being my own worst enemy and it is extremely tiring now, because I want to be so much more than the person I am and finally be the person that God wants me to be.

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2 comments

  1. The fight that takes place in the mind is probably the hardest fight we will ever go through. You are not always the problem. The problem is the fact that we live in a messed up world were everyone makes mistakes. No matter who you are, we have all done something wrong, but that doesn’t mean we should just bash ourselves with negativity.

    It is easy to hate ourselves for every thing we feel is wrong with us. But God doesn’t call us to live the easy way. He calls us to a higher standard of living, and that higher standard is love and forgiveness. Yes we all make mistakes, and yes it can be hard to forget that, but when you give it to God, all you have to do is leave it there. He won’t hold it against you. No person can really be a problem because God doesn’t create problems, He solves them. There are just people who are still being worked on. Remember, God does not make mistakes 🙂

    It’s okay to set high standards for yourself, but it is not always okay to expect to succeed and reach those expectations every time because it is just not humanly possible. We have Jesus in us and can do amazing things through His strength, but we still won’t be able to do everything right. Falling short can be seen as an opportunity to improve and grow, but don’t let it bring you down. It’s hard to see worth in failure, but there is a purpose for it, and you will be able to see that some day.

    Rejection is very hard and painful to get through. When it feels like you are doing all you can to have people like you and they don’t accept that friendship it can be crushing. Have compassion with yourself. Know that you are valuable even if some people pretend not to see it. Being addicted to seeking the approval of others all the time will never allow you the opportunity to just be yourself, so don’t always seek to approve, just seek first His Kingdom, and then everything else will come together.

    When you raise your own self-esteem you are actually encouraging those around you. You make them feel good when you feel good.

    See the good others see in you. Maybe it would help for you to think about all the ways you have inspired others. Think about everything good God has given you!

    1. Thank you for your amazing and encouraging words; it always means a lot for me to read your comments. I am finally seeing the good that others see in me and I allowing God to mould me into the person that He wants to be. My self-esteem is just a work in progress at the moment.

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