The Real Issue


A few days ago, I told you that I need to go back to the beginning, and yesterday I did just that.  Going back to the start was what I needed to do in order to move forward and now I believe that I can finally do that, after having a refreshing walk and long talk with God.

It wasn’t the easiest of tasks, as some my childhood memories were a little hazy and there were particular situations that I don’t really like facing , because of how bad they make me feel about myself.  However, it was all necessary if I was going to gain an understanding of why I behave the way I do and why I get so deeply effected by unnecessary things and situations.

Last night, I took a long hard look at myself and the guys that I clearly remember being involved with.  I realised that my early antics were typical silly actions that many children carry out.  I saw that I was intrigued by people from an early age and that I liked lighties from childhood.  Most little girls like boys and they think it’s fun to talk about boys, but I let this love of boys become a controlling factor in my life.

It’s easier to blame a guy or tell others that a guy has hurt you, rather than admit that you have problems with yourself or face up to the issues in your family.  I would take all of the bad things that guys would say or do to me and react badly, because I actually felt horrible about myself and did not like the person that I was.  I would do things with guys that weren’t me, because I desired to feel wanted and attractive, but I would just feel worse later.  I would crave the attention that they would give me, because I didn’t feel that I was getting it from my parents.

Up until recently, I did not even realise that I had such deep-rooted issues in my home life and now I think that it’s too late to change them.  However, what I can change is how I feel about myself and how I perceive the person that I am.  I need to really love myself, appreciate who I am and forgive myself for the things I have done in the past that I ashamed of.  I need to see the person that God sees when He looks at me.

Guys are not the main issue, even though I have spent so long convincing myself that they are.  The real issue is me and I’m glad that I have finally realised that, because now I can do something about it.  The hole in my heart that I have spent so long trying to fill with attention from guys has been caused by the emptiness that I feel, and I need God to come in and fill it.  It won’t be easy, but I have faith that it will happen, because my God can do anything.

My hope in finding love has been revitalised, because I know that once I am at one with myself and have a heart filled with God’s love, He will send the one into my life.  I just need to keep on remembering that God will always want me, love me and give me undivided attention, even when others won’t, because that is what is important.

Advertisements

One comment

Comment at Your Leisure

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s