A few days ago, I told you that I need to go back to the beginning, and yesterday I did just that. Going back to the start was what I needed to do in order to move forward and now I believe that I can finally do that, after having a refreshing walk and long talk with God.
It wasn’t the easiest of tasks, as some my childhood memories were a little hazy and there were particular situations that I don’t really like facing , because of how bad they make me feel about myself. However, it was all necessary if I was going to gain an understanding of why I behave the way I do and why I get so deeply effected by unnecessary things and situations.
Last night, I took a long hard look at myself and the guys that I clearly remember being involved with. I realised that my early antics were typical silly actions that many children carry out. I saw that I was intrigued by people from an early age and that I liked lighties from childhood. Most little girls like boys and they think it’s fun to talk about boys, but I let this love of boys become a controlling factor in my life.
It’s easier to blame a guy or tell others that a guy has hurt you, rather than admit that you have problems with yourself or face up to the issues in your family. I would take all of the bad things that guys would say or do to me and react badly, because I actually felt horrible about myself and did not like the person that I was. I would do things with guys that weren’t me, because I desired to feel wanted and attractive, but I would just feel worse later. I would crave the attention that they would give me, because I didn’t feel that I was getting it from my parents.
Up until recently, I did not even realise that I had such deep-rooted issues in my home life and now I think that it’s too late to change them. However, what I can change is how I feel about myself and how I perceive the person that I am. I need to really love myself, appreciate who I am and forgive myself for the things I have done in the past that I ashamed of. I need to see the person that God sees when He looks at me.
Guys are not the main issue, even though I have spent so long convincing myself that they are. The real issue is me and I’m glad that I have finally realised that, because now I can do something about it. The hole in my heart that I have spent so long trying to fill with attention from guys has been caused by the emptiness that I feel, and I need God to come in and fill it. It won’t be easy, but I have faith that it will happen, because my God can do anything.
My hope in finding love has been revitalised, because I know that once I am at one with myself and have a heart filled with God’s love, He will send the one into my life. I just need to keep on remembering that God will always want me, love me and give me undivided attention, even when others won’t, because that is what is important.