For some reason, there is a hole in my heart that I seem to be trying hard to fill with the affection or attention that I receive from guys. However, this is the wrong way to go about things, as I need to be filling this hole with the love that I receive from God rather than with the affection from other guys.
Although I know that God needs to have my whole heart, I need to figure out why I have this hole in my heart, because it is not doing me any favours. Every time a guy lets me down or ignores me or doesn’t like me in return, it eats away at me and I find myself reminded of my past issues with other guys, which hurts me even more.
It doesn’t help that the guys I’m interested in don’t show interest in me, as I continue to get tired of the sick joke that someone is playing on my love life. A few days ago, the hole in my heart reared its ugly head again as I struggled with the feelings I have for the guys I wrote about in a previous post.
I was especially upset about the cute guy who took my number – let’s call him N. N is not only gorgeous, but he is sweet, funny and interesting. I felt comfortable speaking to him and he is actually good at holding a conversation, which is not the case with a lot of guys these days. For some reason, I found myself pulled towards a guy I hardly even know, who gave me genuine butterflies when I saw him.
N was the first guy I had been genuinely interested in for a long time, but it seems that his interest in my wasn’t genuine, like so many of the guys out there. I just wish I knew what kind of game he was playing and I wish that he had never approached me in the first place – it would make life so much easier.
I guess things are not meant to be with me and N, which does get to me but I just have to accept it. However, I just want a guy to give me some hope and make me believe that I can open up and trust again. Now it’s up to me to work on myself and fill this hole in my heart, as God won’t grant me the right guy until I’m whole. It’s just hard sometimes, as everyone wants to be loved right.