I’ve been in a bit of a mood recently, because I’ve got way too many so-called “friends” in my life right now, mixed up a with a good number of fake friends.
My friendships mean a lot to me and if I say that someone is my friend then I take it seriously. I care about the wellbeing of that person, I want to know that they’re doing well, I support them in whatever they’re going through, I take the time to check up on them and I let them know that I love them and will be there for them.
Even when a friendship falls apart or I don’t want that particular individual to play a major part in my life anymore, I won’t automatically stop caring about them or loving them, because I love everyone. If they were going through a really difficult time, I would show them my support. If someone was shooting at them, I’d be there to push them out the way and even take the bullet for them.
I don’t always like people or appreciate the way they carry on, but I ultimately love people and I want to see them happy, prosperous and enjoying life. Seeing someone depressed, isolated, hurting or struggling strikes a chord with me that makes me want to do anything I can to make them feel better. I always tell my friends that I’m here to make them smile or feel good.
In spite of the love I have for my friends, I’m not giving them so much of myself anymore, because it feels like I hardly get anything back in return. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that you should give to receive and there are a number of my friends who give themselves back. But giving so much of my heart and my love and my care to others can be painful – and at times slightly draining – when they don’t give anything back.
There are too many of my friends that seem to take me for granted and only come to me when they need something, whether it be a favour or someone’s number or a piece of information. Hardly any of them simply message me to say “Hi” or just to check up on me.
I’m tired of being the “friend” that’s ignored, practically invisible, seen as second best, messed around, treated like a mug and so easily forgotten about. It’s been a common occurrence for too long in my life and I’m actually fed up of it, so I care a lot less about these people now.
My sister has said that I’m hard-hearted and that I have a hard exterior, but that isn’t strictly true. Yes, I’ve hardened my heart slightly, but it’s still full of love. And yes, I have a harder exterior – which I have every right to have – but I’m still fragile, open and honest.
I refuse to let people walk all over me and hurt me and use me like they’ve done in the past, which is why I’m a lot harder on people. I’ll forgive you and I’ll give you multiple chances, but I will be wary of you, more careful and distrusting.
People in my life, especially my friends, have a way of letting me down and making it seem like I’m the problem. This is why I really struggle with letting new people in, which is something that really scares me as I prepare to find a husband. I don’t want to feel like I can’t let anyone in or continuously believe that I’m the problem, but there are individuals around me that make it so easy.
My life is changing, people are changing and I am changing. I am doing my best to not let people affect me and I am dropping people who are not any good for me. I’m distancing myself and cutting myself off from a number of people, because I’ve gone past the point of caring and I refuse to keep making excuses. I’m done with these so-called “friends” of mine.