I’m sure practically all of us have barriers that automatically go up in particular situations and circumstances. I know that I have a serious set of thick steel barriers guarding my heart to prevent hurt and pain from getting in, but in that process I’ve been preventing myself from getting out.
Trusting people, letting go of the past and letting people in is very difficult for me, because of the hurt and betrayal I’ve experienced in the past. There are only a very select few people who I have fully let in over the years, which allows me to let my guard down around them. However, even certain guards flare up if I start to feel unsure about some of their actions.
As someone who likes to be in control, putting up barriers allows me to have some sort of control over how far I allow my relationships to go. This may not always be fair to some people, but I see this as a way of keeping me safe after all of the danger I’ve found myself in.
When someone starts exhibiting behaviour I have a problem with or they start carrying on in a way that makes me nervous, I begin to pull away from them immediately. This is usually by choice, but I sometimes do it subconsciously. If I am reminded of an individual’s actions that hurt me in the past, I don’t want to wait around for it to happen again.
In most cases though, I just don’t want others to see the full me because I am afraid of laying myself completely bare. Why should people see my weaknesses and know about most aspects of my life? I like to play my cards very close to my chest, so others cannot expose them to the world.
However, putting up all these barriers to avoid getting hurt has brought hurt to my door anyway. It’s resulted in me building up a prison around myself that is now keeping me in and I am struggling to escape.
I love people, but keeping myself locked up as led to me feeling isolated and lonely within myself, which is a horrible place to find yourself in. Instead of feeling safe, I have found myself in even more danger that is destroying me from the inside out instead of helping me. How pointless is that???
I’m working on a way to penetrate these barriers and break out of the prison I’ve built around my heart, but this will be no easy task. The bars are extremely thick and I’ve found some comfort in my prison cell.
Of course, certain barriers will stay up, as these are the guards that protect me from making the same mistakes and from those that actually mean me harm. However, the other barriers need to be broken down so that I can not only let the worthy individuals in, but also let myself out and really start enjoying my relationships.