What Do I Fear?


Today I had a blood test and I was really, really scared.  Although this wasn’t my first blood test (it was my third), I had the same feelings of dread but with slightly less feelings of terror.  I try to put off having blood tests as much as possible and I avoid any injections if I can help it, as they just instill fear in me.

I think that I’ve always had a fear of injections and they are definitely one of the things I am most scared of.  However, injections do not scare me half as much as heights do.  I do not only have a fear of heights; I have a phobia of heights.

Heights have terrified me all of my life – I avoid looking over balconies because I’m so afraid of the height below me.  But I never realised how serious my fear of heights was until I went on a school trip.

During the trip, my teacher forced me to walk to the top of a tower, even though I had told her that I did not want to go any further.  When we reached the top, I became hysterical and burst into a fit of tears, which resulted in me needing assistance to get back down again.  I am still extremely scared of heights, but my fear seems to be less severe.

I’m scared of being stung by wasps or bitten by a poisonous spider.  I’m anxious about falling into a tube or train track.  I have a fear of dogs and losing anyone close to me.  I’m afraid that I’ll never find the one or make it in my chosen career path.  I worry that I’ll never fit in or find my place in the world.

But more than anything, I’m terrified that I won’t be able to fully let go and let God as he makes me the better version of myself.  I’m fighting a crazy battle within my own mind and I’m still struggling with the concept of control.

I fear that I won’t be able to get past all of the negativity and obstacles within me, which I know are holding me back.  The enemy has messed me up so badly that I’m afraid I’m beyond full repair, even though I know that this is not true.

I am a work in progress, struggling with my fears just like everyone else, but I need to come to God with these fears and believe that He will help me through them.

What do you fear?

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