I Still Love You

No matter what I say, I still love you.  I love you so much that it hurts.  I feel the pain in the pit of my stomach, as my hidden feelings weigh it down, and I feel my heart breaking, because I don’t feel that I can tell you how I really feel.  There are tears in my eyes even as I sit here writing this.

I thought that you were out of my heart, but you’re not.  You’re still there having this effect on me that I can’t run away from and it’s driving me crazy.  I want to tell you, because I need that closure, but I still have this gripping fear of how you might react.

As I continue to dig deeper to work on myself and after seeing you this weekend, I see that the feelings I still have for you are as strong as they have been for the past few years.  I’ve tried to fight them, deny them and hide from them, but somehow they always seem to resurface.

You drive me crazy in a way that no one else ever has and no matter how you annoy or anger me, I still feel drawn to you and all those feelings of anger melt away.  Every time you smile at me, I can’t help but smile back – and it is actually a genuine smile, not the fake smile I give some guys.

I feel comfortable enough around you to actually say what’s on my mind, even though I may come across as a little bitchy.  And you are the only person who gives me genuine butterflies and makes me feel a little weak when you have your arms around me.

However, I’m stuck here in two minds, wondering whether I should tell you how I feel or just let it be for now, but I know that I definitely have to tell you.  I need to tell you sometime soon, so that it’s all out there in the open and I can move forward by getting the closure I need.

You need to know how hard it’s been for me to hold this in and act like I only love you as a friend every time I see you.  I want you to understand how much you hurt me in the past, but that I forgive you and I believe our special friendship came out of it.

I want to tell you that although I love you, I’m not expecting you to say it back or start dating me, because it’s not about you and it’s not about us.  It’s about me expressing myself and getting the necessary closure for me to move on.  I’m sure that I probably won’t like what you have to say, but I need to be brave and that involves laying my heart bare.

I don’t know what the future holds for us.  I don’t know if you’ll become my best friend, or if we’ll become more than friends, or even if we’ll get married.  All I really know is that I love you so, so much, more than my words can  even describe, and I can’t tell you…



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