I really need to do what’s good for me now. I need to stop doing what everyone else wants me to do and stop being what everyone else wants me to be. I need to stop caring so much about what people say and I need to stop worrying so much about letting people down. I need to do what’s good for me, otherwise I will suffer and lose myself in the process.
Yesterday, I finally admitted to myself that I was not willing to go back and complete a stage of my life that I thought I was finally ready for. Just reading a simple e-mail and thinking about what I had to do – as well as what I had forgotten to do – stressed me out more than I expected and then made me cry and cry.
I had not even returned yet and I was already crying and feeling negative. All I kept thinking was: “How on earth am I supposed to become a more positive person if this just keeps dragging me down and making me feel terrible?”. I realised that this was the sign I needed from God, as I finally saw how unhappy and distressed this part of my life made me.
God does not want any of us to be unhappy and I know that I definitely don’t want to be. This part of my life kills me inside and I know that if I want to move forward, I am going to have to disappoint and go against some people by putting it behind me. My health, well-being and becoming a better person means too much to me, and I refuse to let this part of my life jeopardise that.
After talking to God and taking a walk to release some of the negative energy – during which I saw the Primary School that holds such a special place in my heart – I realised that I had to go back to basics. I not only need to become the joyous and carefree person I originally was, but I also need to go back to my first love and do what truly makes me happy.
Putting an end to this stage of my life will be one of the starting points in my journey, as I work on putting my past and the negativity in my life behind me, so that I can become a better version of myself and be baptised. I want to be a new creation in Christ and completely start afresh, in all areas of my life.
Sometime soon, I hope to embark on a new path, move somewhere new, be around new people and leave my past completely behind me, with God by my side every step of the way. I need to ensure that I get back to basics and do not only what’s good for me, but more importantly, what God wants for me.