I love being in control. I feel like I need to be in control in all areas of my life and when I start losing control, it throws me off. I’m having to accept that I can’t control every aspect of my life 100% of the time and there will be certain occasions when life will throw me curve-balls, which I will have to deal with as best as I can.
As I persevered through university, despite hating my course, all I could think was that fashion was not what I wanted to pursue as a career anymore and I needed to re-think my options. This absolutely terrified me, because my career had seemed to be the only constant in my life over the years and I thought that I would be nothing without it.
I also felt in control of my career choice, because it was what I wanted to do and I had planned the path to reach my career goals from a young age. I had taken Art, Textiles and Business Studies at GCSE and achieved really good grades, then Art & Design: Textiles and Business Studies as two of my A-levels subjects and again achieved very good grades. I had gotten into my dream university, without having to take a foundation year, and I was on a great course that would help me to develop lots of new skills. Then suddenly, everything seemed to go wrong and there didn’t seem to be anything I could do to stop it.
I had begun to hate the subject field I once loved. I was losing motivation and I didn’t know how to get it back. I was struggling more than ever before and my grades were nowhere near as good as I wanted them to be. It was like I was failing and had lost my way, but there was nothing I could do to control it, so the bad feelings continued to grow and run rife within me.
Although I can’t always control what events may occur in my life, like struggles in university, difficulties at home or problems with friends, I try my best to control my emotions and keep them in check. Controlling my emotions can be hard at times, but I have gotten better at it over the years.
As mentioned before, I put on feelings of happiness and wear a smile, when I am actually feeling down or depressed so that the people around me will not question how I’m feeling. I will say that everything is okay and act like I’m completely fine, but I will let the tears that I have been holding in flow once I am behind closed doors. But most of all, if there is any chance I may like a guy, I will suppress it and continuously say that I do not like him, so I believe it myself and am able to control how I feel.
There is also an element of control with my friendships. In order to avoid getting hurt, I set myself unspoken rules: I only reveal certain aspects of myself and my personality to particular people, I don’t express a lot of my feelings or share my struggles, I will pull away if I feel someone can’t be trusted, and I cut anyone off when they have pushed me to the point where I can’t take anymore.
However, what I have realised is that it is God that needs to be in control of my life. Of course, I need to be in control of my actions and make the choice between right and wrong, but I need to let God take the reins and stop trying to do it all on my own. Trying to get by on my own and stay in constant control has had a negative aspect on various areas of my life, especially my emotions. When my emotions were out of whack and I was feeling down, I would do certain things that I am not proud of and never actually solved anything, just so that I could feel some sense of control.
I also made the very big mistake of thinking that my career was the one constant in my life, which isn’t the case. God was not only the other constant in my life, but He is the only aspect of my life that will always be constant. God has always supported me, loved me, cared for me and never ever let me down. I need to make sure that I always remember that.
I am always going to have to deal with wanting to be in control, as it is important to me, but I cannot let it consume me. I need to ensure that I am letting my God take the lead, as He has a great plan for my life and He always knows what’s best for me, even when I don’t. I’ll just have to take it one step at a time, with Jesus by my side…